Last summer, I (20, FtM) finally came out to my family for the fourth and final time, which was met with some pretty heavy pushback and shit was just kinda crazy ig. I ended up getting my HRT referral for my local gender clinic, and my mom, behind my back, changed up some stuff with my insurance or something and somehow ended up getting this referral removed from my medical records (I had multiple, but this was the only one that was removed). Now that I've moved out again, I've finally started the process of regaining the proper referrals and starting T. The issue is, I don't know why, but I just feel so apathetic towards it. I know this is what I want, I've wanted it since I was a kid, but I just can't bring myself to get excited and even celebrate my journey anymore. I have a great, supportive group of friends that have been doing their best to help me out through all of this, but I'm just exhausted. I don't even know what to do, I guess I'm truly at a loss. Has anyone else experienced this? How do I even deal with it?