I really dont know how you all do it. This is so hard. I can’t live with the world hating me any longer. How do you survive? Who do you talk to; where do you learn; how do you find friends and love and $ to live?

Hate comes from cis hetero men and women, lesbians, gays, trans people that more or less transitioned than me.

I’m sorry I’m ugly.

I’m sorry I can’t do makeup.

I’m sorry I realized late I was trans.

I’m sorry I can’t get hair removal.

I’m sorry I realized I was trans in a world, community, family that doesn’t “believe in it.”

Me: “I’m trans.” Mother: “No you aren’t.”

I am struggling mightily.

There’s no community in real life. The Reddit world seems to either (i) want me to have gotten x amount of surgeries to be considered trans or (ii) want to force me to look at me ugly guy face when I’m hanging on by a thread.

If we are real women, then we will be forced into ideals of feminine beauty that our society forces on us. If we started transitioning later, then that indoctrination is even stronger. I dont want to look at my shell of a man face. If you dont want to look at my same face with Ai makeup, that’s your own problem. You doing makeup is no different than me doing it with FaceApp.

FaceApp saved my life and it is saving it.

I don’t understand all the gatekeeping. I like the face i see in my dreams and when i close my eyes. It is so close.

But, I can’t do makeup.

And, I can’t grow my hair lest I be murdered in my town. I don’t want to be murdered. I dont want any of you to be either.