Here I am, yet again talking about... Rodger. Ha. It's funny, how I came up with his alias actually. He reminds me so much of doc from back to the future, and I'm like. Super into musicals so I naturally got hooked on the btf musical, somehow managing to listen to the song 'it works' over 300 times between October and December. Phenomenal song, but I obviously can't hear it anymore without getting all upset. It's a real earworm though. Anyway, the guy who plays doc in that musical is named Rodger Bart. Amazing actor, amazing musical, sucks dipshit had to ruin it for me

I spent one night awake till well past 4am just searching for him on here. I know he's active on Reddit and the only reason i know he wouldn't find these posts is because he's so stuck in his own ways that he would never be on a subreddit like this. I think what I need is closure. I have his phone number still saved, I could call him right now if I wanted to. I won't. But I know I can. I know where to find him on Facebook, his email is pretty easy to find. Both his personal and school ones. He turned 54 in may and everything in me is clawing and itching to tell him happy birthday. I don't even know why.

I come lamenting on here because... I suppose it's comforting to know someone is listening and understands. I know my friends want to help but I know it isn't easy to hear the same stories over and over again, and honestly their assuring words get a little old at times. They don't know what else to say. I mean.. Who would? I don't even know why I still think about him. And yet here I am, looking for fanfiction shipping doc and Marty together... For.. What? Exactly? Some different way shit could have played out? I don't know.

People keep telling me I need to validate my own feelings. Sure. Cool. But it's been almost a year since I met him and I'm still note even close to over it or able to allow stupid back to the future and writing back into my life without having a whole meltdown over it. I draw to cope, which is nice, but I know I can do so much more by writing. He ruined something phenomenal in my life and turned it into my biggest insecurity. Every word I put on a page feels like it's already being judged because of the way he breathed down my neck

And yet I can still imagine him calling me sweetheart and holding me in his arms

There isn't a manual for my situation. No one who can relate, nowhere to look for companionship. People who get groomed by their professors without it crossing over into title 9 don't just come running to post it everywhere, there isn't a community for that. So I'm stuck here, feeling like I'm in some echochamber containing my three closest confidants- me, myself and i. I miss him. I miss the way he made me laugh and I miss that goofy way he would jerk his head back into the doorway three more times when he forgot to tell me something. His hand on my shoulder and the smile on his face when he saw I was the only one who showed up to class. I miss jumping to my phone when I heard my email go off and I miss having something to look forward to every day

He kept me going. I didn't need romance and excitement... Rodger was my life. he shouldn't have been, but he was. I had so many hobbies that all just seem so meaningless now. I don't know what to do now that I'm not working myself to the bone for someone else and I'm depressed. Something is missing. Every heartbreak I've experienced after him just leads me back to these feelings. He got in deep. And I don't know what to do about it. Even journaling hurts. His words still hurt me, even the ones he took back later. I feel boring and unfunny. I'll never crack people up the way my characters do. My ideas are fucked up, I need to do more than just comedy. I'm not funny. God. I just want him out of my head. I want revenge. I want him back. I want to be naiive and seventeen and being manipulated again. I want those months before the anger started back. I want 80s music and running to comp just to see him before class started back. I want him to smile at me again. I want him to suffer just the way I do. Trauma is so strange.

Alright enough of that. thanks for listening, guys, I really do appreciate having an outlet. It's good for me I think