I wanted to share the story of my friend (I'll call her Sharon)'s relationship with her husband (I'll call him Jason); I've always had a hard time deciding if it could really be called "toxic," but it's definitely an unusual one. If there are any therapists in this sub, I'd love to hear your analysis of it.

Some backstory (Yes, this is long. It would make a very good soap opera):

Up until she was 10, Sharon had a wealthy childhood and was, in her own words, spoiled rotten. Then her parents, both nurses, started becoming addicted to painkillers, driving the family into poverty and ruining their lives. Because of this unstable home life, plus the fact Sharon had health issues, she spent most of her adolescence in and out of school. In fact, to this day, she has never had more than an eighth grade education, which is crazy to me because she is a very book-smart person who is a talented writer and knows a ton about world history.

When she was 16, she and her junkie parents were evicted from their house. A classmate of hers named Rachel and her brother Jason, who was 10 years older, came to help them move out. Upon learning that the family had no place to go and was planning to spend the night in some motel with no idea where to go the next day, Jason was shocked and offered to let them all temporarily stay with him. During the next three months or so, Sharon and Jason started a relationship.

Yes, that's where it gets a little icky. She was 16 and he was 25 or 26. According to what she's told me, Rachel mischievously lied to each one about the other's age, so they didn't fully realize how large their age gap was until after they had consummated things.

From that point on, Jason basically replaced Sharon's parents as the main source of stability in her life. Her dad continued being a junkie and eventually died from an overdose while her mom kept being an emotionally abusive person and eventually Sharon had to cut her out of her life. Sharon spent most of her 20's struggling with a lot of the trauma of her unusual childhood, also struggling with alcoholism for a bit, but Jason helped her through it and now she's completely sober. As she put it, after a childhood of first being spoiled and then living in poverty, Jason was the first person to be a healthy role model for her, telling her "No" when she needed to hear it. She'd often say "Jason is the reason I'm not living in some gutter right now. He saved me in every way a person can be saved."

By the time Sharon got to her 30's, they had settled into a normal life. They were married, Jason made a good income as an engineer, and Sharon was able to pursue her goal of being an aspiring author. She's written several manuscripts that I've helped critique (that's how we met), she was talented enough to be able to get a literary agent and started her path of getting published.

This was when I noticed little things about their relationship that were a little off-putting. Jason would always talk down to her and frequently curse at her, and she would be subservient and take it. I totally get that some couples just are this way (for example, saying "Looking good, fuckface" is their way of saying "I love you"). But I definitely sensed that their dynamic was a little skewed because of the way in which they met the 10-year age gap. He would come off like a parent/older brother and she came off like a child/younger sister. I feel it wasn't until her mid-30's/his mid-40's that they finally started talking to each other as equals.

She also has openly admitted that Jason has never supported her goal of being an author and never even read a single thing she's written. Even if she were published, he still wouldn't read anything because he hates reading. I was shocked by how casually she admitted that this was her life's dream yet her partner was not offering any encouragement at all.

There were also times she made comments that revealed just how creepy devoted to him she is. She commented openly that if anything ever happened to Jason, she'd only last an hour before committing suicide. Not just me but her other married friends have all told her that's not a healthy mindset to have and she shouldn't think that way, but she is adamant about it. Because she's never experienced dating or a breakup, the idea of ever even trying to be with someone else scares her. Jason actually did temporarily break up with her at one point during her rocky 20's, and she describes that as the most miserable she ever was and had to beg him to take her back so she could feel happiness again.

Now, in the last few months, Jason has been struck with health issues and can no longer work the physical labor needed as an engineer. Sharon has decided they will leave their house and move into an RV together, so that they can spend their remaining years together seeing the country. She's also giving up her dream of being an author because, as she put it, even if her agent were to sell her manuscript, she just wouldn't have the time and energy right now to do the revisions and edits needed on a deadline, given that she has to take care of him full time.

So this is why I struggle to really say if this relationship is toxic. On the one hand, I can tell that the two genuinely love each other and are happy together and have managed to stay together in some form for ~22 years. On the other hand, it makes me sad to see that, at age 38 (which I still consider young), she is choosing to give up her dreams and the entire stable life they worked together to create just so she can take care of him and live like a nomad, because she's just so devoted to him. I personally feel that she could still be in love with him while showing more independence as her own person and working towards her own future.