Hey y'all, this is just a bit of a vent post.

When I am at home and relaxing alone, I don't really tic. I'll still do so if I'm watching YouTube or Netflix, but if I'm playing a video game or even just chillin' in my bed, I don't really tic. I've had instances where I have ticced but they're kinda outliers.

Now I know I'm not faking. I don't have the gall to willingly punch my arm repeatedly (that's my most painful tic). I know I'm not willingly bashing my head against my shoulder even when I have a headache already. But I often feel very bad about moments where I don't tic at all, especially if other people are seeing them. It's as if my tic disorder is coming off as situational/circumstantial and it just makes me sad :( Like, I can rationalize it and understand it but it still upsets me.

I also feel almost like a liar when I tell people I have a tic disorder. Everybody is so used to seeing tourettes as something extreme and constant, as those people get the most media attention. I don't see a lot of media attention on the people who shrug, maybe wink once in a while and clear their throat. I don't see a lot of media attention on people who experience bad tic attacks in public but then go home and don't tic for the next 5 hours. I tell people I have a tic disorder and then my brain is like "now you have to tic constantly. prove it. prove you have it." and it stresses me out, which, coincidentally, makes me tic more 🙄

I get a lot of social anxiety ticcing in public, and I hate how I'm now getting social anxiety about /not/ ticcing in public. Despite this though, I am still very grateful for how minor my condition is compared to other cases and I hope it stays like this, though by the way I've been progressing the past 2 years, I still think I've got worse to go before it starts getting better again.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'm not really seeking anything about this besides the relief of getting it off my chest, but hopefully maybe someone like me can read this and feel not so alone.