tw: mentions of slurs (they are not said explicitly, only briefly mentioned)

Hi, apologies if formatting is weird, I'm on mobile.

This is more of a vent post, kinda, because I know y'all will understand.

My neurologist has diagnosed me with chronic vocal and motor tics, though she is leaning towards it being TS. I had a neuropsych eval to get to the bottom of things just over three weeks ago, should get the results in 1-2 weeks, but until then, nothing official yet.

My neurologist originally prescribed me clonidine, which made my tics worse, so we switched to pimozide, which lessened the occurence and severity of my tics to amost zero. I've been off the pimozide for over a year now, because I had a hospital stay in January of 2022 for a mental health crisis, where they prescribed me a medication (risperidone (Risperdal is the brand name)), which, according to my neurologist, is also used for tics/TS.

I was fine for the first week of being off the pimozide, but soon the tics came back, and worse and more violent than ever. I've been throwing things, cussing, saying slurs that I DON'T want to say and feel immense guilt for (mainly gay slurs, the f-slur, some people in my life have also tried baiting me into ticing racial slurs (for reference: I am white, and I KNOW I'm not allowed to say those slurs for obvious reasons)).

Luckily, when it comes to the racial slur tics, I've managed to curb them and change the word at the last second or stop myself, but it's hard because I can't control my tics.

To reiterate, I feel guilty for almost accidentally saying these words, because while I can't experience what BIPOC folks have experienced with these words, I know how bad these words are and the discriminative context they have historically been used in. This all leads up to my main point of posting this: I want to start medication (pimozide) for my tics again, so I can avoid this happening.

Is there anyone who has an authority that can speak on this? Has anyone else experienced tics like this? If so, how can I stop them? I'm literally grasping at straws at this point and I have no BIPOC friends I can consult with that will be brutally honest with me. Asking here, because I know every person is different, and out of the two BIPOC friends I do have, only one has tics, but idk if either of them are willing to be brutally honest with me.

Much love, and apologies if I offend anyone, I'm honestly not trying to, and if I said something offensive, please let me know! ❤️

edit: thank y'all for being really understanding and sympathetic, I'm going to try and take your advice and explain my situation to people and get a tourettes id/medical card. I already have a pin on my work visor to make people aware (luckily my coprolalia doesn't kick in at work, it's mainly small squeaks when I'm at work or school, or like the word f**k or sh/t, so minor coprolalia).