TW: weight, weight loss, body image

I had a better body image before surgery than after. I like my flat chest, but I can't fully enjoy how I look because then my eyes go down my torso and see a round stomach with purple stretch marks. I won't lie to you - I hate it. I know it's not healthy. But I'm not happy. I'm disgusted with myself. Maybe I didn't notice before now because at least my chest was proportional to my body, and I felt cute. Now, the best I have is a "dad bod" which I am really not vibing with (femme non-binary). I look and feel disproportionate and ugly.

I don't know what to do. My attempts at weight loss in the past always ended up failing. About a year ago I was a size 8 after dieting for a few months. Now I rebounded to a size 16. I'm familiar with intuitive eating, anti-diet, health at every size, body positivity, and body neutrality. And yet, I just want to lose weight. I want to look normal. I want to look good, and I don't anymore. I feel like losing weight long term will ultimately fail me. What am I supposed to do? Keep feeding my body as I have been and hope that my body's "healthy weight" is something more acceptable to me?

Apologies for the dump. I've been feeling this way for weeks with no one to talk to who can really understand.