Probably going to be long, but I feel like it's difficult to properly put into words.

Tl;dr- I feel like I'm obsessed with altering my state of mind as often as possible (alcohol, drugs, legal stimulants, etc) and I'm not sure what my actual reasoning is. Am I addicted, depressed and trying to escape, or just bored and enjoying an altered state of mind?

So, I feel like as far back as I can remember, I've always been pretty fascinated with how we can take things that change us, whether it's being more energetic, more mellow, etc. Obviously as a (mostly) good kid, this was only ever caffeine for a while (energy drinks, coffee), which I loved. As I got a bit older and into high school, the love for caffeine remained but I also started lifting pretty heavily as an athlete at the time, and I was introduced to pre-workout; LOVED IT! I'd even just take a scoop at random times without even working out, just for "something." I hope that makes sense.

Getting into my later high school years, I drank a few times here and there and also experimented with weed. Absolutely loved it, although I was strategic in when I'd "indulge," just to make sure all responsibilities were taken care of (good grades, sports, work, not getting caught by the hypocritical parents haha). So although I probably started drinking/smoking earlier than I should have, I was still fairly advanced compared to my friends/peers. I graduated REALLY high in my class, won a prestigious school athletic award, received academic scholarships and at least a few looks from football coaches (nothing serious, unfortunately). After graduating I started drinking more, smoking more and being generally more open-minded to other drugs, but I still never went crazy; I still graduated with a bachelor's degree with honors as a FT student while also working FT, paying my own bills, cooking my own meals, everything.

Fast forward to now: things are still relatively good for me in terms of having a nice-paying FT job that I don't absolutely hate (although, it's not in the career path I went to school for; who could have guessed?), I own my home, I pay my bills on time with some leftover for whatever I want to do/buy, etc. But, I've been prescribed an antidepressant, adderall for focus/motivation, and I basically smoke weed every day, I drink almost every single day (not to excess/drunken stupor mode, but probably more than I should), I drink coffee/caffeine EVERY single day, the whole nine. Obviously, there's some subconscious "the world sucks right now and the future seems grim" feelings I have, but for the most part it seems that when I start to drink/smoke every day, it's just for something to do. Something to get me out of the norm, almost like a little adventure I can have at home knowing things aren't "normal" anymore. There ARE things that bum me out, like being single for this long (going on 5 years, give or take), uncertainty about the future, the fucking hypocrisy/lunacy of the American political shit show, etc. But, it's very rare where I'm "in a mood" and resort to drinking/getting high to escape it. It's usually just a simple thought like, "well, I did all my stuff for the day. I have no plans, nothing really to do, and nothing I'd really be missing out on by being high/buzzed, so screw it. Take a shot, crack a beer, load a bowl," usually in that order around 5pm, almost daily.

So, what I've ALWAYS wondered is, am I just addicted to alcohol/weed/caffeine and I have a subconscious dependency? Am I just depressed and just hating my life more than I consciously realize and my "auto-pilot" mode is to drink/smoke before even thinking about why I want to/should? Or, am I just genuinely fascinated by easily obtaining an "altered state of mind?" I realize it's PROBABLY a combination of all three, but I feel as though any addiction I have is more psychological and less physical, I feel like I'm usually in a pretty decent mood most days (no more/less than anybody else I know), this routine I've built up hasn't come back to bite me in the ass in any way yet, and I'm still easily taking care of all of my responsibilities as a single home-owner.

I'm 27 now, and while I'm sure it's not super healthy for my body, should I even be tripping? I don't want to live to age 100, or probably even 80 for that matter. I just don't know what else to do with my time now that I'm older and I haven't had a significant other for quite some time, don't really have any hobbies that are done at home, etc. I'm kind of in that admittedly-selfish mode where I'm just doing whatever I want to my body (within reason, never anything stereotypically "hard") and living for the moment, but I don't know if my routine is okay/normal, or if I'm really fucking up and just not realizing it yet.

Any thoughts/perspectives would be greatly appreciated. ❤️