***WAS ASKED TO REPOST THIS HERE***

Hey all, I was inspired by the post u/Flow_Cascade and another post from a single guy so I figured I would write this thread.

You have to grasp a basic fact, the supply for single guys far outpaces the demand for them in many places. Also, men in general tend to be kind of shitty. As a bi man who dates men I can tell you most women are not lying when they complain about men. This means at best single men can be unwanted and at worst they can be harmful. So it means if you are a single man and you want to access these spaces you will be facing much higher hurdles than everyone else.

This is where I come in. I'm a thirty something Bi male who has been in some form of the ENM scene for about 4 years now. I'm technically not a swinger, I identify as solo-poly. I'm not going to get into the specifics about what that means or how it is different from being a swinger. But what is important, that when I started going to events like these I was single. There is overlap between the swinger/enm/poly community, especially at sex clubs and parties. Also, sometimes I like to go to sex clubs and parties by myself without a partner from time to time. So I have experience and can tell you how you can navigate this scene ethically and kindly while maximizing your chances of having fun.

BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING...

You're going to have to ask yourself some hard questions and come up with a few good answers. Might as well ask them now before you shell out any money, because once you get there people are going to be asking them. Also, if you get vetted for a private club/party, you may be asked these questions.

First, why do you want to go to sex parties/clubs and why do you want to be a swinger/poly/enm. The obvious answer is that we all want to get laid and have hot sex. Everyone knows that, but sex clubs/parties aren't the only way to get laid and are not necessarily the best. If all you want is an easy lay, it might not be the scene for you. If you're into group sex and other kinky stuff, maybe it is. Think about this and make sure your answer passes the sniff test. Others will ask.

Then ask again, do you really want this? Can you deal with the rejection? How are you going to feel when someone you like or find attractive has sex with someone hotter than you? What are you really hoping to get that you aren't currently getting in your regular life?

Next, ask what you bring to the table. Do a bit of honest self assessment. Usually people have spent years trying to build up a sex club/party. Most single guys just want to come into the space and use it as a means to get laid. It shows a very taking/possessive mindset. They don't bring anything but themselves and don't add anything. Not the kind of person you want to have sex with, nobody likes a selfish lover. If you're going to join a space, think real hard about how you would make it better. What kind of qualities do you have and what do you bring to the table. If you're a guy with a six pack and an 8" cock you obviously bring more to the table than the average random guy. Congrats life is a bit easier for you. If you aren't that kind of guy, you have a dig a bit deeper and think about your personality traits and skills. This also might mean working on yourself to amplify your better qualities.

Finally, are you currently getting laid without this? It might sound like an easier way to get laid but not necessarily. If you can't talk to single women in the real world, how are you going to talk to a woman in a sex club? There is nothing more sad than seeing a single guy go way out of his comfort zone just to sit on a couch by himself at a sex party. This isn't a band-aid. You might have to do some other work.

YOU DECIDED YES YOU STILL WANT TO DO THIS

Well now its time to start doing some research. First, do some research and ABSORB it. Google and communities like Reddit are your friends. There are guides that will tell you how to act and behave. Clubs will post rules on their websites. Understand them and how they differ based on different scenes. Do a bunch of reading on the principles of consent. Some of this may challenge your assumptions of how an orgy or sex club/party would work. You might want to reflect on those assumptions and challenge them further. If you see some information you don't like or think is wrong, just remember it probably isn't. A lot of people have been doing this a lot longer than you and have designed rules to keep everyone safe. There is probably less touching and groping at your average sex club than there is at your average regular club. People take this stuff very seriously.

Next, in addition to researching the various clubs and parties, look for social only groups as well. Fetlife, Meetup and Bloom are good for this. There are plenty of socials and meetups for people in various shades of kind/ENM. Go to them and talk to them. People will be much more open and inviting because there is no sex on the table, so people feel safer. Go to these things and talk to people. Have normal conversations. This is a good place to get great info on the local scene and also get to know some friends. It helps to have friends in the scene even if you aren't hooking up with them. If people like you and feel comfortable with you, they may invite you to a private event or be willing to act as a reference for clubs that screen members.

SO DID ALL THAT AND YOU STILL WANT TO GO TO THAT SEX CLUB/PARTY NOW?

You've hopefully done all the steps above, and after doing some research ran into an unfortunate reality. Many clubs do not let single men in during prime times and their best parties. Some sex parties heavily screen, and if you're a single guy without a reference you won't pass screening. But you're just getting started, of course nobody in the scene will be your reference. What do you do? Simple, as discussed above you have to start socializing in the scene.

First, if you are single and unaccompanied you have to realize you are at the bottom of the ladder and have to start at the bottom. You have to go to parties that let single men in and you have to realize these are the worst parties there are. There will be some weird dudes standing off and lurking in corners and very few women. Some of these parties have been rumored to use escorts as well.

If you followed my advice earlier, then you've also been going to LS/ENM social events and meeting people. In general if you're friendly and not a creep you will make friends and potential partners. If you become friends with someone, maybe they will agree to chaperone you to a party. Shit, maybe they will want to have sex with you at the party.

Whatever you do, DO NOT hire an escort to bring to a sex club/party. I know this probably happens all the time. I don't have any issues with paying for sex or escorting. I've paid for sex, I dated an escort, and many friends of mine are sex workers. However in this circumstance it is ethically questionable. First, many clubs/parties have rules against it. Next, you're probably not going to be honest about the arrangement with others, which brings up some issues around consent if you engage in group play. Only do this for private sex parties where everyone is aware. If you're reading this you probably aren't getting invited to or throwing any private sex parties.

SO YOU'RE FINALLY AT THE CLUB

You followed this guide, and now you're finally at a party. Maybe you're went to one of those crappy parties that allow single dudes, or maybe you got vetted or chaperoned to a better club/party. Either way the rules are mostly the same.

First, dress to impress. You want to look your best. Brush your teeth, take a shower, and do all the basic hygiene stuff. Also look at the party info. Some clubs/parties may have a theme and want you to wear a costume. You might want to invest in some kink gear, that always works at a sex party/club (there are usually changing areas and a coat check/lockers).

Manage your intoxication levels. This won't be fun if you get too drunk or are too high, plus you can get kicked out. I know a beer or two can help with the nerves, but one or two can become three to six and then you're a drunk mess slurring your words. Not sexy.

Respect consent. Different parties have different rules but in general do not do anything to anyone else without asking. Don't touch or grope anyone. If you see a group of people having sex, do not try to interrupt them or jump in. There are tons of guides to consent at sex clubs/parties. I invite you to google them. Hopefully before hand you researched the rules of the club. Be ready to respect boundaries and learn to enforce yours. Be ready to handle rejection.

Finally, do not try to have sex the first time at a sex club/party. I know this sounds crazy, you did all this work to go to a sex club. Slow down partner, you've been patient and you still got a little bit of work left. What I recommend is the same stuff I talked about earlier. Go around and talk to people. Talking to people is an easy way to both figure out if someone wants to hook up with you and also an important first step. If they don't want to talk to you they probably don't want to fuck you. If they are engaging with you, let them get to know you and get to know them. If you're a single guy people may be defensive. Just be a nice guy and they will feel safe around you and learn to trust you. It might take a bit longer, some people might need to see you around a few times to feel you out. Let them do it. Also, this is another good opportunity to find information about parties and people who might willing to be a reference.

BUT YOU ENDED UP AT A PARTY THAT ALLOWS SINGLE MEN AND DOESN'T SCREEN

This isn't ideal, but its still a way to break into the scene. It was the first party I went to. There is a benefit to going to this party, because it shows you exactly what NOT TO DO!

Like I said earlier, there are going to be a bunch of guys sitting off to the sides, not really talking to anyone. Do not be them. Get up, socialize and be friendly. Talk to people even if you don't want to have sex with them. This is a club/party after all. People want to socialize and get to know people before they have sex with them, even if they are swingers.

You'll also see guys circling like sharks. A couple or woman will come in and guys will just start circling. Someone will start playing and a bunch of guys will just start swarming, leering, and watching. Do not do this. Approach people like you would in a normal situation. If someone is playing you are allowed to watch from a respectful distance, but if you're going to be within their personal space ask if you can watch before getting involved.

If you did your research on consent like I told you to, you might see some of these principals violated at these parties. Do not join in or partake, even if the woman appears to go along with it. Don't try to barge in on play scenes, don't even ask to join. Don't go up and grope random people just because you see a bunch of guys walking up to a woman and grabbing her.

You can still meet cool people at these parties, but you'll probably want to go to better parties at some point. You'll want to be vetted for one of the private parties or find a partner who will go to parties with you. Just make sure to talk to people and don't fall down to the lowest common denominator. The scene is smaller than you think, people are watching you and they do talk. If you treat someone poorly you can find yourself getting blacklisted from clubs and parties.

AND FINALLY ONE FINAL WORD

Just remember that the competition for unattached, single guys in this scene is strong. So respond by being the best version of yourself. Be your best dressed, be your best looking, be your best mannered, be your best behaved and most respectful self. You want to make people feel safe and comfortable around you while also being sexy.

You'll notice that this guide didn't contain any information on how to get someone to sleep with you. That wasn't the point. This isn't a guide to flirting or how to pick up people. Quite frankly, if that is the information you need you shouldn't be reading this thread yet. It is really just the bare minimum behavior that is expected of any guy in any sex club/party tbh. It is how you get your foot in the door and are allowed the privilege of coming back. However, if you follow the steps I laid out, you probably demonstrate some of the skills needed to flirt your way into some fun with others. If you follow these steps and are a good quality dude, you'll be able to find your way into the hottest sex clubs and parties in your area. If you get to know people and treat them with respect you should be able to find people willing to fool around with you.

Have fun!