so much has been coming to a head this year, with turbulent change and growth and maturing with my partner. i have a lot of repressed anger though, due to my intense mental energy, severe fatigue, being trapped at home unable to work, wanting to get back to college, and trust issues. in my session last night, my partner was so depressed that he didn’t want to cuddle, and i started taking it out on my sketchbook. at first i tried to draw something legible, but soon i had crammed a piece of charcoal in my fist and was just feverishly digging into the pages. when one was filled with black, i tore it out like a madman and filled another. on and on until my hands were covered in soot and i was panting. finally it seemed i had purged it.

then i moved onto dripping hot wax all over my filthy hands. the distant pain started to calm me down. on ketamine, it feels almost euphoric, and it was like i was draining myself of so much anger and frustration and fury for being forced into stagnation by my own body and mind.

soon my hands looked utterly wrecked, like i’d been digging in the mines with my fingers all day. i felt proud though, and satisfied, like i had exorcised how i felt inside. at that point though, the dissociation hit. i wanted to wash my hands but i couldn’t move anymore. at this point my boyfriend was up and i distantly felt him wiping off the caked black, and i thought of christ. i still had anger to purge though, and i remember little. i often feel like different animals on ketamine, and this time i was a bear, growling and heavy and utterly uncooperative to my poor partner. i kept saying “out comes red” over and over. but finally it was gone, and we cuddled deeply and blissfully. i had a beautiful dream that night of riding a magnificent horse and finding a family. in the morning, somehow even he felt better, like i had affected him too.