i feel like many of you have much better times on ketamine than i do. if it is ever even somewhat pleasant, it definitely won’t be the moment it becomes a k hole. i have no idea what you guys are experiencing, but it is not remotely fun for me. it’s unbelievably disturbing to feel like my entire self and world is constantly morphing clay, and i’m trapped in an infinite flow that mutates and keeps me from any sense of grounding. it can feel like it lasts an eternity and it’s all i’ve ever known. i will feel insane or like i’m in a movie. ketamine isn’t usually pleasant for me except at microdoses.

i have cptsd, mdd, adhd, and pure OCD. the last one might be causing trouble since i have a long history of existential symptoms and severe dissociation which can make me freak out on ketamine. i’ve only been microdosing lately because i don’t seem able to handle it higher right now.

honestly, i feel jealous and bothered by people who say their trips are lovely and wonderful and they already feel much better. it’s been months and i am wiser, but barely improved otherwise, and it’s anything but a fun drug. i only wish my problems were so simple.

edit: forgot to mention that i’m taking lozenges.