Oh, my god.

In the few months that I’ve been doing ketamine, I’ve had a lot of improvements, and I’ve been functioning much better, but I was still struggling. I kept hoping for some kind of great insight, but hadn’t really been getting more than relief for a few days or a week at time. I read a post here about someone having an experience where they got to spend an hour with their deceased friend while they were dissociated and the feelings that it brought up. I was hoping for something like that.

I don’t know if I was just really good with intention setting, or it was just time for this, but when I was out, while I didn’t have an visits from the spirit realm, two things connected in my mind, and it was like all this pressure that had been building up inside me for months if not my entire life was released. It’s hard to go into specifics, but I had a really rough thing happen in my personal life a few months ago. It’s a long story, and there’s no real bad guy, but a lot of stuff happened, some willfully but without malice, and I got extremely, extremely hurt. And while I know that no one is at fault, the way that my mind distorts things is to think that I deserved them, that this is just my lot in life. And because some other stuff happened that seemed to reinforce that, it just kept piling up, and I was getting close to breaking again.

But something caused two ideas to hook together in my mind, and I came to realize that in a situation where no one is at fault, that also means that it’s not my fault either. And that I didn’t have to feel guilty or justify being angry and hurt. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it rocked me to my core. As I was coming out of it, I was sobbing so much that the speech-to-text that I use for journalling had a hard time understanding me. It was like the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon over and over again “It’s not your fault” until he believes him.

I’m probably going to need to be reminded of this over and over until it sinks in, but I don’t think I’ve ever had anything this big happen to me in years of meds or therapy.