… but effects improved. In short term scenarios at least.

In the beginning, sessions were extremely and consistently visual. However, I went through a long stage of increased depression because of all the repressed memories that surfaced. Been dealing with that still, almost two years later from when I started this journey.

That said- I took a break from ketamine and if I did (or do) sessions they are a least a week between. Sessions these days have practically no visuals, no epiphanies… but I gotta say the day of two after I feel good, almost positive even!

So I do miss the “trippy-ness” and the k-holes of the initial doses. My once a week or every other week RDTs of 400mg just don’t do it any more. Not sure if ket loses potency over extended shelf life or if tolerance is just what it is.

I still struggle, overall, with depression. Ketamine has let me see things for what they truly were, taken away my crutch of maladaptive daydreaming and stripped me of illusions of any elevated self worth unfortunately. My reality is one of no strong relationships, no inspiration, no goals, a tougher-than-acknowledged childhood, poor communication, and probably overcompensating for undiagnosed (slight case, not too deep in the spectrum ) autism. Reality is kinda bleak and I certainly did an amazing job of keeping myself afloat all these years with denial and tolerating bullshit from people just to have some connection in the world and not be totally isolated.

Early 50s now - on paper everything in my world is great - but in some strange way ketamine undid all my propping up and I’m not sure how this will go on.

Tired of talking to therapists, surprised I even jotted down and shared these feelings this morning. Hoping to rebuild- just hope a dark day doesn’t win.

Peace and wishing you all the best of luck in your healing.