I'm looking for support/your thoughts: So I had my sixth infusion on Monday morning and I posted yesterday that I was experiencing extreme hypersensitivity (esp sound but also taste, touch, light, smells) - and it hasn't gone away or gotten better after 48 hours. Hypersensitivity is a driver of needing to try Ketamine Therapy, but this is at the extreme of what I was dealing with before. I did Ketamine Therapy because of SI, and it has definitely helped with the SI. But I'm just not sure if this side effect was worth it, since hypersensitivities basically caused the SI in the first place. The feeling that I can't cope with the world and so I can't have a life like normal people.

I'm worried this is not going to go away... that this extreme version of the sensitivity is here to stay. The other two times infusions triggered this is was reduced/gone by day two. By 'I'm worried its not going to go away' I really mean I'm crushed and scared and frustrated and freaking out. I feel like my body is in fight or flight mode and the cortisol is just pumping and every time a car drives by or plane flies over head or my refrigerator starts whirring it just keeps triggering the cortisol. Bodies aren't meant to have constant cortisol pumping day in and day out. I've been trying to cope with this for years, and heal take care of my body from the chronic stress reaction, and I am so worried I just had this huge setback.

Even though I'm freaking out, I'm practically trying to manage this - like wearing noise cancelling headphones and being in a dark room. But I can hear these things even with the headphones. The headphones are Bose700s. I just ordered a new pair in my paranoia that they are not working as well as a new pair at 2 years old. But like, before starting ketamine they were working much more effectively for me to block out noises. I'm freaking out that my body is freaking out. Which is triggering more freaking out of 'did I do more harm than good with the ketamine'.

I am in a metropolitan area and a flight path and so it's not like I can just get away from these noises unless I wholesale uproot my life out of the city (which I've been considering, but I'd rather not do right now because I'm in meltdown mode and I'm not sure I can trust myself to make rational decisions right now - and I've tried living in many different environments in different areas of the city and its all problematic in one way or another - and I'm not made of money and I can't afford to 'try' new places to live. At this point I feel like my move is to go to the middle of nowhere. And that may still be a good choice for me, and I'm seriously thinking about it, but I have to make it through a few more months to save enough money to move. And like, find a place to move).

Distractions out of the house have been working the past two days to get my mind off of it- but when I'm at home and trying to relax or sleep or do chores, my mind/body just can't chill out. I'm on 48 hours of constant cortisol and I've hit that wall of my body is not happy/it's getting tired. I have an appointment with therapist on Friday and going to contact my psychiatrist - but at this point I know my treatment options for when I'm in this mode and it's pretty limited. (Thus, ketamine)