This reminds me of another one that bugs me re: Sadism

I am not, have not been, and will not be, "taking out my aggression" on my masochistic partner. So often people paint S&m like Sadists are just using their partner as a stand in for someone they want to hurt.

Nope. Not even a little bit.

If I'm angry enough at someone to fantasize about causing them physical pain, I want that to be a bad experience for that person. Since S&m is about mutual pleasure and enjoyment, it's never going to scratch that itch. If I do a scene to alleviate my anger, it's not because I'm seeking an outlet. It's because I'm seeking pleasure and endorphins to counteract the negative feelings. Same as any vanilla person who seeks solace in sex.

Word. Even most of us who are Sadists will pretty consistently state that we only enjoy giving pain to the extent that it gives our masochistic partners pleasure.

Also, sometimes Doms are masochists and subs are sadists, and sometimes sadists and masochists aren't in to power dynamics at all.

Absolutely. When I Dom, I know it's consensual and my partner can nope out at any moment, so I'm free to exert as much authority as I like. When I'm reviewing something with an employee, even when I'm very careful to emphasize that something is just a suggestion, there are times they'll follow it because I'm in charge, even though they not only disagree but in fact have a better idea.

Also it's generally frowned upon to spank your employees...

Yeah, it's a difference I recognize in play. Like, the stimulus reactions are obviously different. And the fact that we distinguish between "good pain" and "bad pain" should be a clue, seeing as I've never heard anyone talk about bad pleasure.

But I have spent so long with maso partners that I do sometimes forget that there are people who think that a masochist enjoys, say, heavy impact in the same way they enjoy heavy petting, and phrases like "pleasurable pain" likely compound the misunderstanding.

Pain hurts, y'all. Sometimes it just hurts good.

ooooh going the positive-yet-harmful stereotype route. Nice.

I get this both as a kinky person and as a poly person. And while I like to think I'm a pretty good communicator, that sure ain't a given, as evidenced by the steady stream of people seeking help with a kinky or poly relationship issue that could have been avoided with better communication.

Things like Mr grey are intended to be positive portrayals. They're not, but that's their intent.

I'm talking about the way real life, self-styled Doms are viewed. I pretty frequently encounter claims that the average male Dom is an unimportant, unsuccessful man who turns to kink in order to feel powerful/in control. I've received more than a few harassing messages over the years asserting exactly that. Iirc there was a post on one of the kink subreddits a few weeks back where someone claimed most men in D/s dynamics are engaged in role reversal fantasy.

Anyone who says it's weird or incestuous to call your partner and a family member the same thing is lying, anyway. It's just a question of whether they're lying to you or to themself. If they really meant it, they'd accuse parents of pedophilia every time they use the same generic term of endearment for their spouse as they do for their children. Not to mention protesting every love song that uses "mama." Except the Boys II Men song, which is actually about his mother.

Ooooh this is an important clarification. Thank you for it. I sometimes forget when writing about S&M that folks unfamiliar with the experience will interpret me as reinforcing this idea. Heck, I may have endorsed it earlier on this thread when I said "we only enjoy giving pain to the extent that it gives our masochistic partners pleasure."

That because I'm a sub, I'll sub for anyone. This is the biggest tell that a person knows nothing about BDSM except what mainstream media and porn tell them. I try to assume the best and educate them in case it's just a clueless newbie, but if they don't react well, those people get blocked.

I get this often as a Dom as well. Someone slides into my DMs, slings titles around like nobody's business, and seems genuinely surprised when I don't immediately begin sexting with them. It's especially fun in places where my screen name is gender neutral and I get people calling me "Mistress."

For some reason it still surprises me when it happens.

Statistically, that's not wrong. Because the average human male across all sexual (and other) categories is unimportant and not outstandingly successful. They are average.

Statistically, I would guess that the average human male Dom looks about the same as the average human male. What I was attempting to convey with what you quoted is that the prejudice I have encountered is that the average Dom guy is, outside of the bedroom, below average in terms of power/authority/success/control.

In the narrative I've been exposed to, it's generally portrayed as this relationship where the power one wields in the bedroom is inversely proportional to the power one has irl.

Like, articles very similar to this one were all over the place at the height of the 50SOG craze. And that article doesn't actually say that "successful men are more submissive." It says successful men are less inhibited by social standards, so they are more willing to indulge submissive tendencies if they have them. But it was very quickly misinterpreted by a great many people to be "proof" of this supposed thing where role-reversal is at the root of (usually men's) D/s identity.

I'm genuinely surprised this isn't a thing you've encountered. Not denying your experience at all. It just feels to me like one of those conversations I am having so frequently with vanilla/kink-curious people that I assumed everybody was familiar with the narrative.

Only as the "geek who lives in mom's basement" trope, which I guess nobody really tries to toss in your face when you are 50 and have no relatives in the state you live in.

Idunno, I'm in my 30s and haven't lived with my parents since I was 16 but it doesn't stop the keyboard warriors from suggesting otherwise XD

I certainly don't look at pop-psych articles about it, and was entirely outside any BDSM community / interest at the height of the FSOG craze (my involvement bookends that period).

You're a lucky human. It was not an especially fun time to be managing kink-focused online spaces. In retrospect, I'm mildly glad the forum I was moderating at the time got abruptly shutdown one day without any explanation.