I was hoping to get some perspective and insight for those of you who enjoy being humiliated or doing the humiliating. I am a virgin technically, although had some real life sexual experiences. I would like to tell a story about a girl I met online and maybe someone can guide me towards some internal closure. Once I write everything out I will put a few specific questions so its not so much of a mushed up mess.

So I was talking to this girl and we were really hitting it off. She was responding with big paragraphs and just genuinely seemed to enjoy talking to me. We had a lot of similar sexual interests, seemingly good chemistry. After maybe a month of talking I sent her a dick pic but before I sent it, I did the cardinal sin of saying "I know its not big, just as a warning" or something along those lines. Which is relevant later.

I just casually brought up findom, asking if she knew what it was. And just me asking her, prompted her to respond with "oh i would love that, we can set up boundaries, maybe start with 2/300 a week?" And her reaction just seemed a bit....too enthusiastic. Like I figured if she was so quick to want to findom me, it must be because I give her submissive energy or that she doesn't see me as relationship material.

The day comes that I decide I am going to tell her how I feel. I told her that I really liked her and her response was that I was so sweet. Which is code for "not a chance, sport" So my response was asking her to femdom me. But with the specific purpose of her telling me all the things she doesn't like about me. I gave her like a week to think of things because I wanted her to take it seriously. She asks me if I am into humiliation. Which is all it took for me to mentally spiral into thoughts of her only wanting me as a source of humiliation. I know I had some childhood small penis humiliation trauma which is certainly at play. But the feelings are real. I just feel as a small penis person, you really are destined to have to enjoy humiliation.

So she took kind of a mean mommy type of role. Like making me answer questions about myself, being condescending, etc. Some of the things she included that I remember:

-being insecure about my penis
-we had talked previously about her femdomming me and we talked about like hetero-normative behaviors, the psychology of it, etc. So she said she thought it was a red flag that I was nervous to have her be the first person she femdommed. But it was because I really liked her and I was afraid she only saw me as a sub. Or someone that was of value for humiliation/sadism but not actual care or respect. Which is why I think now, I would need to really trust someone to actually enjoy femdom. Since I just feel absolutely invisible, sexually.
-she said I had a pp, then I replied asking "is it a pp? I always thought pp was used to describes penises that were not good enough to be called a dick or cock. Then she replied "yes, a pp. Does that make you sad?" Which it really does.
-i need to lose weight
-my style is boring.

There was more but thats just a general jist of the type of things. We discussed beforehand that I would like to end with any positive things about me. She had some, but none of them felt as genuine as all the things she didn't like. And none of them were physical. Just things like...you're funny, i love your curiosity, etc. Then afterwards she said she was tired and good night. I cried all night and I assume she slept peacefully. But I asked for it, so not her fault. But it did feel like she just got her sadistic nut and didn't care to actually give any aftercare. But regretfully we didn't really speak about aftercare besides for ending with a few positive things. We would chat during the day and she would tell me how much of a turn off insecure men like me were. Even though the only reason I was bringing up the insecurities is because she has a kink for making fun of my little dicks lol And I feel the need to obsess over the reasoning and logic for it. There is a biological reason she feels that way. Heteronormative women are attracted to heteronormative masculine traits. Its not a "porn" thing. Its a human nature thing. But it feels unfair for her to judge me for my insecurity when she literally has a kink that perpetuates the same societal norms that caused the need for the kink in the first place..

The next day I tell her that it actually hit pretty hard. She did seem to feel for me and tried to ease the things she said in a more human way. We continue talking for a while. I am spiraling and she is pretty unaware lol At this point I am living under the assumption that this girl just wants to abuse me lol so me being me, I ask her to give me small penis humiliation. Because she mentioned she was into humiliation so my caveman brain thinks, that is the only way I am going to be able to pleasure her.

So just because its relevant, I am a grower and super tiny when soft. I sent her a first picture that was particularly unflattering. She starts doing her thing. Some main points being:
-"now what is that? Look at that micro penis"
-you know I would never talk to you if you didn't worship the ground I walk on"
-you'd have to beg on your hands and knees to get anywhere near me"
-And this is the big one for me. She says "You think I would ever want that?" I say "No, mommy, I know this is just pretend and if i weren't sending her money here and there, she would be gone and not giving me any sexual attention" And she replies "mmm, I love that you know this is just pretend"

The whole time, she seemed to be enjoying but I knew what I said really hit when she said "mmm" lol which makes me think that hit because of the truth behind it. Like the truer it is, the hotter it is, is how I feel she views it. And I can't really seem to move past that, because it just all felt like it was from an emotional real place and not just a kink place. But i'm not sure i'd be able to tell anyway. So thats pretty much up to now. We haven't spoken in a while because shes traveling and I need time to sort my mental out. I am stuck in such a bad thought loop about this. I feel if I wasn't a virgin, I wouldn't feel as strongly about everything she said. But I just feel hopeless in that regard. Like no hetero-normative woman is going to see me as a potential partner.

So to the actual question part of this. So humiliation as a kink. I know some people say it doesn't have to be rooted in trauma but I think it is most of the time. And even if not directly traumatized. I think empathetic people who experience vicarious trauma, can empathize with a small penis person so well, that they can trigger those emotional places of masochism in a similar way to someone who really does have a small penis. Which is why your average or even above average penis is desiring SPH in some cases. As well as other factors. I had asked this girl about the roots of her kink and the psychology of it, but her answer was lackluster and it seemed pretty clear she just did the kink. She just does it, but doesn't think deeply about the why. But for me, I become obsessed with all the whys in my life.

1. Can you simultaneously enjoy/ get turned on by a small penis(in a non submissive/humiliation context) and also enjoy small penis humiliation? I have a hard time with the dichotomy of kink and reality. Like if a girl has a kink for making fun of small penis, to me that means.. she does not like small penis in real life. I know not all kink is reality. But I do think a lot of it is just extreme versions of reality. Which is why you don't see many big dick cucks or small dick bulls. Its not just a fantasy. It would not be nearly as hot if it were just fantasy. The reason it is such a powerful sexual scenario is because of how true it is.
2. From a woman's perspective, what is it about SPH that turns you on? Is there an element of knowing that small penis makes a man's life really tough, and that emotional toll it takes, is a turn on?
3. Do women like to humiliate a specific type of man? Or can you meet a guy, instinctually put him in the 'daddy' category... but still have that sexual urge to humiliate him? Or is it only enjoyable to humiliate lesser men?
4. I am under the assumption that if you enjoy BDSM, that means at some level you are having an internal battle in your real life. Meaning, if you enjoy humiliating a small penis consensually, you would enjoy it non consensually as well. But people don't tend to do that because of society's rules and fear of being ostracized for not following the current 'code of ethics'. So how does a 'sadistic' woman balance that basal desire to remind lesser men of their place and also have the capacity to love a man with a potentially small penis? I ask because this girl told me she actually preferred average dick. Of course, I can't wholeheartedly believe her, but I try.
5. Honestly just open to any advice. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin but I feel destined to be a submissive or just a toy. And part of me thinks this whole humiliation thing is hot.. but I associate it with my trauma which probably isn't healthy. It comes with a lot of shame. And at first I just assumed anyone who liked SPH was very sad, like me. Or just so brainwashed and conditioned in society to only be able to associate their shame and humiliation with pleasure, since the idea of a woman liking them for them, is a foreign concept lol

Random ending thought. I find it interesting that when a woman is the submissive/beta. The main idea is usually that they are just good for sex, etc. But for a man that is submissive/beta its that he isn't good enough for sex. Which is interesting because that lines up with real life. Since women tend to feel over-sexualized and most men feel under-sexualized.