I get the overall vibe that Xander likes having people adore them so much (and then being toxic towards them so they become even more obsessed with fighting for Xander). The way they woo'd Yoly and was just so charismatic when Yoly told them she falls for people quickly. If that were me, I would've been like "whoa hey now, I like you but are you sure this is not your pattern?" Also, cutting Yoly off at the public table and defending Vanessa just seemed like a manipulation tactic to 1. Keep Vanessa hooked for future supply and 2. Piss Yoly off and make her feel like she has to work harder for Xander because oop, they might still want Vanessa.

I'm getting a sense of them seeming calm, cool and collected on the outside and making Vanessa (someone that is already constantly looking for validation) seem hysterical, which I'm not saying she's not got her own issues, but idk man Xander just has to be feeding her little breadcrumbs. I feel like they have both Yoly and Vanessa right where they want them, both desperately trying to "win" a marriage. The flexing of the bank account, the "let's do this", but then denying saying I love you and not wanting to talk about sex with Vanessa. I actually think Vanessa was completely reasonable in that conversation, and is now reverting to playing cool girl because she doesn't want to lose Xander to Yoly.

I can't remember when, but in one of Vanessa's "I wrote something"s she mentioned infidelity having taken place in their previous relationship. I wonder if that was also Xander (if not both). Sliding in Yoly's DMs while you're meant to give the 3 weeks with Vanessa a serious attempt is slippery slimy behavior, and I can't see this being the first time. Not that I condone DM checking, but I think Vanessa has a good reason to do so.

Narcissists are very good at making their spouse look like the crazy one, because they made them crazy. Just saying.