I (23f) got out of my first relationship almost 2 years ago. He was controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive throughout the relationship, and by the end physically abusive as well. Whatever. I’ve gotten over the fact that this happened to me, and took it as a learning moment. I’m in therapy, I’m medicated, I’m in a much better place financially, but randomly throughout the day my mind says “remember that time he _____.”

My issue is that I still feel disgusted with myself for allowing myself to be in a position to be abused to begin with. Randomly throughout the day I’ll remember something he did to me, and then for the next 5-15 minutes stare off into space feeling awful. It’s like my mind is spiraling into the same mind space it was in while I was with him. Then when I get out of my trance, all I feel is gross about myself. Some days it’s so bad I can’t look at myself without wanting to either throw up or cry.

Rationally I know it’s not my fault. If one of my friends was dealing with this, I’d never think of blaming her for getting abused. Why do I do it to myself? How do I stop? It’s been more than enough time to stop feeling bad and move on, but I genuinely cant. On particularly bad nights I stalk his Instagram, and see him live a happy life with a new girlfriend, and cant stop thinking why he chose to abuse me, and not her.

I don’t know how to stop the random thoughts. I can be having an amazing day, then the next second I’m back in that dark place. I’ve used all the tactics my therapist has taught me, but it doesn’t stop. Idk, do I just have to wait it out?