I can deliver tumblr-tier writing too, if that’s all it takes now.

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Opening with action music. A guy dressed in nothing but a sombrero breaks into a woman’s apartment and uses a snake to whip her.

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Play intro.

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La Serpiente (No. 4902)

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Somewhere in a tent, Red bumbles around, eating honey out of a jar using his bare hands.

“Dembe, where did I put my glasses?”

- “They’re on your head, Raymond.”

“AH! What would I do without you?”

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Cut to a corporate building interior.

Fat, old, white man on the phone, talking to his accomplice:

"Is it duhn? Praise Jebus! Ah sure love hurtin' womyn! Hyuck hyuck hyuck!"

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Cut to someone knocking on Elizabeth’s door.

It’s Jason Voorhees, bloodsoaked and angry.

“Ah, you must be the babysitter! I won’t be back until midnight, so you have all day with my defenseless daughter. Be careful, she can get rowdy! Haha. If you need anything, I put the password to my bank account on the fridge. Bye now :)”

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Cut to Red calling Katarina.

“Katarina, this has to end. You can’t keep going like this.”

Katarina, breaking into tears: “Stop! I’ve had enough of your mansplaining! My body my choice!”

“Katarina, don’t make me hurt this character we didn’t introduce.”

Katarina, who is 60 years old and 100 lbs, takes her anger out on her henchman, Karate chopping him in half.

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Cut to a scene of Aram adorably reciting some comp-sci nonsense about bouncing bitcoin off of the moon to triangulate a messenger pigeon or something.

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Elizabeth pulls aside the other character they didn’t introduce, Park Something.

“So can we talk about that thing in Anchorage?”

- “No but keep asking me for 7 more episodes.”

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Red, now interrogating a witness, slips on a banana peel. His gun falls out of his hand, accidentally shooting Ilya in the head.

“Aw shucks, Dembe! I done did it again! :(”

- “Raymond! You need to be more careful!!! >:O”

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Cut to next week's preview of the Taskforce installing Ilya Coleslaw’s consciousness in a cyborg body or something stupid like that.