My 'List of Lists':

LIST: LIST OF LISTS

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This - well, it started as one rogue idea. Of course, that was only _my_ idea. The story - and some readers - had different ideas. So it turned into three. Or maybe more, because the third one - well. That's another story entirely. Or maybe the same one... time till tell. But since they're all part of a whole, I'm going to put this header on all of them. So - part the third. DAWN. It's called 'Katie's story' - but I wasn't really writing about Katie when I wrote the first story - SUNSET. I was writing about - well, someone else. Because I wanted to try to write a character nobody liked - without telling readers not to like her.

Anyway. After I'd posted SUNSET in r/ginewildaudio, it was - well, let's say not badly received. And people _hated_ - well, the one I wanted them to hate. But then I began to wonder. What if? What if, by telling things from _her_ perspective, maybe she wasn't what she'd seemed? That maybe none of us are what other people sometimes think, if we could only get to tell _our_ side of the story? So I wrote MIDNIGHT. And then - well, people asked 'what about...'. The third character, Was she really just a place marker? It turned out she wasn't - in DAWN. And that led to - well, to a number of things, and maybe even a novel one day. But here it is. The sun is rising. It's a new day. Or - is it?

DAWN

It’s my night off. So I’m here. Like I’m always here on my night off. Waiting for the dawn.

A guy slides over to the stool next to me, like some guy always does. But it’s my night off. So I tell him to piss the fuck off. So he slicks back hair that could fry chicken, and he asks me what a nice girl is doing in a place like this. I tell him, first, the Seventies called. They want their fucking pickup line back. Second, I ain’t no nice fucking girl. I’m not even a fucking girl. I almost tell him what I am, but that’s none of his fucking business. Which would be a joke, if it was, like, even a little bit funny. Not tonight, at least. As for what I’m doing here? I point to the bottles Joe keeps in front of me, a full one ready for the empty one that’s soon going to be there, and I tell him I’m getting fuck-headed drunk, that’s what I’m doing. Or trying to, anyway. Because, I say, this place serves rat’s piss compared to where I normally drink. But I’m not going to see anyone I know here. Which is lucky for them. Because it’s my night off. My one fucking night off, because it’s that night. So I tell him how that makes it his night too. His lucky night. I tell him how it’s his lucky night because he’s not going to get fucking lucky. So. Piss. Off.

I’m not crying. I’m not fucking crying.

Oh for fuck’s sake. ‘Eyes like yours aren’t meant for tears’. I ask him if he comes out with this shit with every cunt he thinks he’d like to fuck. I can see I’m probably going to meet him some time I’m not off the clock. And I tell him no. I am not bloody crying. And I tell him how if he wants to keep saying I am, Joe behind the bar here is going to show him I’m not. Because Joe’s got a fucking baseball bat to show him with, because Joe knows what tonight is. The bat’s even got my name on it.

Well. One of my names.

So I reach down, and I run my hand over his crotch. He isn’t hard yet, but I feel him twitch under my fingers. And I tell him how I’m going to tell him a story. And if he can get all the way to the end without coming, he’ll get what he wants. And if he doesn’t, then, and I wink, I tell him he’ll have got what’s coming anyway, right? And I unzip him, and I take hold of his cock, and I begin to stroke. And just like every year, because every year there’s someone like him, I start to tell him the story.

I loved you so fucking much.

See, I was used to guys telling me they loved me. Hell, girls too. High school’s like that. So many, I could take any one of them or leave them. Until I saw you. I think I loved you the first time I saw you. Not that it mattered. You never even knew I was there. You never said much, but if you did, it was to her. Only ever to her. And she never saw it. Never got it. Hell, I know she never got it – I know because I was her first.

Guys are kind of dumb. Every time, when I say that, they get harder. This guy’s no different. His cock wasn’t unhappy with what I was doing, but as soon as I say the girl thing, he’s a rock.

See, it sort of made sense. Well, as much as anything did back then. The only place I could find you was where she was. So I got to be her friend. I figured I could steal your ass off her, if I could get close enough. I might as well have tried to steal the sun from the fucking sky. You never laid a finger on her, but you never took your eyes off her. And she so wanted you to lay every finger you had on every inch of her. You never went to a single damn dance – unless she asked you to. But when she did, you never danced with anyone but her. And she’d do everything but strip naked on the fucking dance floor, and you never even twitched. I know, because she told me. She told me, and she was crying. So I said, like, maybe you weren’t into girls. And she had no idea what I was talking about. Not a fucking clue. So I said maybe you wanted to do the stuff she wanted you to do to her, but to do it with some other guy. She blushed. I mean, she fucking blushed.

So I told her, like, maybe she should dance with me some. So you could maybe find some guy. And I really wanted it to be, like, cruel. To maybe turn her off you. Leave room for me. But I said it, and I saw the pain in her eyes. I mean, I said the stuff about guys, and she blushed. She fucking blushed! But her eyes weren’t blushing. I could see her fucking heart in them, and all it was, was you. And I don’t know why I did it, but that was the first time. The first time I kissed her.

I think that’s when I started to fall in love with her.

And after the dances, you’d never let her walk home. You’d take her in your car. So I talked her into letting me tag along. And I figured, what the hell, and I told her how, like, maybe if you liked guys it was because you hadn’t, like, seen a girl. Like, doing it. So I said how, maybe, if we did it, if we did stuff, it might turn you on. Because guys like that – like watching girls doing it together. And I told myself it was only because I wanted to turn you on, but fuck. Who was I kidding. I wanted her, and I wanted you – and all I knew was neither of you really wanted me. And I remember the first time she let me. The first time I took off her clothes. The first time I sucked her nipples, the first time I got my head between her legs. We did it, me and her. We got bare-ass naked, and I did every fucking thing I’d ever done with a chick – and it was like I was doing it for the very first fucking time. The first time she put her tongue in my mouth, I came. I fucking came! And the first time I put my tongue in her cunt, I never wanted to take it out. Not. Ever. And I showed her how to lick me, and her tongue was like ice in me, like fire, and I never wanted her to stop. And I knew I loved her – and I knew I loved you – and I saw how you never even looked round, because she’d told you not to. And I knew what you were – and I didn’t care. And I knew the only reason she did a damn thing with me was so maybe you’d get turned on and do it to her.

I was so fucking fucked. And I didn’t fucking care.

Maybe I should have. Maybe I could have… but fuck. That’s not how the game goes, right? I think if I’d listened real hard, I could have heard the boss laughing right back then.

Maybe he was.

And she never got it. Not ever. She wanted to. To understand. And I could have told her. Fuck, I should have told her. But I wanted to be… for her to… I didn’t want her to think I was just some other fucked up high-school slut, even if that’s just what I was. So I told her I was going to the Corner. It’s not like it would have been the first time, even if I did. But I didn’t. Not then. I just pretended. And I came back, and I told her the girls had told me stuff, and I tried to tell her how to give you what you wanted. What you needed. I told her about girl-cocks, and how some guys liked – needed – to be different. It didn’t matter to me. I loved you like the stars love the night sky. And I could have been what you wanted. But that wasn’t it. It wasn’t me you saw. You only saw her. So I told her to tell you to go get one for her – a cock. And I showed her how to use it. And how fucking dumb was that? Me, showing the only girl I’d ever really loved how to fuck the only guy I’d ever really wanted. Ha fucking ha. And she took the cock, and she put it on, and she fucked you. I could hear it, every fucking fuck. And I cried. I cried tears I never thought I had in me. And then she did it. She called me in, and she told you I wanted to do it to you too. And to this day, I don’t know if I imagined the tear in her eye. Just one, and I never saw it again. But she gave me the cock, and she gave me you – and she smiled.

Oh god. I loved her so much. So fucking very much.

And then she told me. Her idea. And she told me she loved me, even if it wasn’t like she loved you. And I wanted to kiss her, to cry, but it wasn’t time. Not then. And she told me how we were all going to be together, because she knew I loved her, and she loved you, and it wasn’t fair. So she told you to marry her, and you said – OK. Just that. O-fucking-K. You were like that. And she told you I was going to come live with you, because folks wouldn’t say anything, or think anything, if you were married, and I was her friend and had nowhere to go. And you said it again. OK. And still all I could see in your eyes was her. But that was how it was going to be, and that was how it was. And every night, she’d go to you, and every night I’d listen to the two of you, and I’ve never cried so many fucking tears in all my life, because I never knew if I wanted to be you with her, or her with you. I just knew I didn’t want to be me – and I knew I wouldn’t have changed a single fucking thing if it meant losing either of you. And it could have worked. It should have worked.

But then it came. The fucking letter.

And she showed it to me, and I didn’t know all the fancy words it had in it, but I knew what they meant. Because it said you were going to die. But there was a medicine that could maybe save you, and there was no fucking way I was going to let you go. So I told her I was going to the Corner again, and I’d get the money. And I went there, because it wasn’t like I’d never been there before. And the girls, they gave me back my space, and I worked my fucking ass off. My ass, my cunt, my mouth – and a few bits in between. But it wasn’t enough, and I knew it. But that was Ok. Because there’s always The Guy. The guy with more money than god, who wants the things no girl is going to give him. And the girls told me not to, because they knew the stories. And I didn’t care. And he came, in his big black car, and I told him he wasn’t getting shit without he gave me half up front. And he smiled, and he gave me the money, and I gave it to Jennie. I told her you’d be coming by, and I told her not to tell you a fucking thing. Because I knew I wasn’t going to be there, but I knew it was the only thing I had left to give her. To give you. And we went in his car, and he drove into the desert. And he told me to take my clothes off. And he kissed me, and he was so gentle. And he laid me on the sand, and he didn’t get undressed, but he took out his cock, and he got on top of me, and he drove his cock into me. And he laughed. He laughed – and he took the knife out of his pocket. And I didn’t want him to be the last thing I saw, so I tried to remember you, to remember her – and his knife flashed red in the sun.

My red.

I don’t know how long I screamed.

He left me, there in the desert. Because, he said, he wasn’t the killing kind. So he left me. And if the sun had been in the sky, I’d have been gone. But it was falling, and I crawled. I crawled, and I walked, and every footstep was red. But I knew where there was this gas station, on the edge of town. And I got there. I got there, but you’d got there first. Oh, my love. I found you. I found you, and I looked into your eyes, eyes that had never seen me and never would. And I held you. Because you couldn’t see, and she couldn’t see, and I could love you at last. And you never knew I was there, my darling. I could see. You thought it was her. Even then, you never saw me. But I was there. And I held you, and I cried – and you were gone. But you didn’t die alone. Because I was with you – like I’ll always be with you. And I held you, even when you were gone, and I held you until I heard it – the car. And she came, and I hid. And maybe if I hadn’t – but I did. And she had the knife, and she held you. And she took off her clothes, and she took you on top of her, and your cock was in her – and she never saw me either. But then, she never really had. And she had the knife, and I knew she wasn’t going to leave you – not ever. And the red ran from her like tears, and I came out from where I was hiding, and I held her too. And she never saw me, like you never saw me – but I was with her too. Like I’d always been with her. And I held her, and she whispered, and she went to find you. And I’d always known I’d be alone. When I – when it came. So I picked up the knife.

That was when he laughed. The boss. Though he wasn't the boss then. Not yet. He Laughed, so I could hear him. Because I think he’d been laughing at me all my life. And he stood there, in his sharp suit, with his crooked cane. And he told me how, if I wanted, he had a deal for me. If I signed his contract. And he told me what I could have.

And I took the knife, and I poured my blood - and I signed.

So I get my one night off each year. And I come here, because the gas station burned down long ago. I know – I burned it. But they built this bar, and I sit. And the sun sets, and midnight passes – but that’s part of the deal. And soon the bar will be gone, and I’ll watch you die again. And I’ll hold you, and I’ll hold her – and I’ll tear out another piece of my heart. Because there's power in a heart like mine. I’ll tear it out, because it was always yours, and it was always hers, and a little bit more of me will be gone. But I made me a deal, and the boss keeps his deals. So you’ll wake, and she’ll wake, and the sun will rise, and I’ll watch you walk away. Together. And for now, it’ll only be for just this night. But one day, all my heart will be gone, and all of me will be gone, and I’ll be gone – and nobody will hold me when I fucking go. But that day you’ll both wake, and you’ll walk into the sun, and you’ll never die again.

And you’ll have each other.

And I know you don’t see me, this night each year. You never do. But then, you never did. Neither of you. And that’s OK. Sometimes – that’s just how love is.And I don’t know how many years I can do it. How many times I can tear me apart. The boss never said. He figures I’ll quit on you first, on you both. Then he’ll have all of me. But I don’t need my heart for much these days. Because Katie Rawlsbent died a long time ago. And like every year, the bar comes back, and the guy jerks in my hand, and he comes. And I tell him how he’s kind of fucked, because the deal was, he had to hold off until the story was done. And it isn’t. I won’t let it be. Not ever. So I suck his soul out through his cock, and I send it to the boss. And Joe puts away the baseball bat, the one with Kateralziban written on it – and I go.

To watch your dawn.