So, I talked to my therapist that I'm interested in seeing a psychologist she made this suggestion before as something to think about it. Anyway next week she said she's going to get me a list of people.

It hasn't happened yet, but I feel no matter the outcome with the psychologist that I'm going to feel like crap either way. Like if the psychologist determines that I don't have/met the criteria for depression I'm just going to feel like a failure because I've been feeling unhappy, frustrated, irritable with no end in sight. And I just feel so fucking unmotivated and haven't done anything in weeks. Honestly I can't remember the last time I did any work. It just feels like I can't do anything.

When I'm sitting here typing this out, but I can't sit and type out work. Like I feel I should be able to sit down and just hammer something out and not feel so irradiated and whatnot that I can't. And just the fact that thinking about work causes all sorts of negative reactions that manifest into the physical.

Anyway my point is if they determine I don't have depression I'm going to be like "Okay, that's good, but then why can't I snap out of whatever the fuck is wrong with me" "Why I'm I so sad and frustrated all or most of the time"

But then on the other side of the coin If I do get the diagnoses it's part of me is going to be like "Oh, so X isn't my fault then, but it is my fucking fault."

I feel like I just need to push myself harder and I'll feel better, but I know that isn't true.

Like I tell myself "You just need to cheer the fuck up" but I don't know to achieve that