I finally gave in to so many urges. I bought clothes. I bought a membership to a sissy site to message mistresses, black guys and other sisses. I bought toys and I'm actively training myself to be ready for sex as a sissy. Part of me is getting hard just typing this.

I am way too deep. Part of me wants to stop all of this. Part of me would feel like I wasted all that money and time and building this commitment for nothing. If I purged everything I would feel like I am killing a part of me. I've purged stuff before but came back now even harder.

A part of me really wants to meet up with these people I am chatting online with. I really want to dress up for a black guy and fulfill my sissy bbc fantasies. I want a mistress to train me. I want to play with another sissy too. Once I finish and literally come to my senses though, its all bullshit and I feel like I am fooling myself. I feel like if I gave into those urges and meet with these people there would be no going back.

The other part of me wants to purge everything and start over. To stop the porn watching that fuels this and go hard mode no fap. I have no idea what I really want to do. The nofap reddit is no help at all. I don't know why I wrote this here but maybe someone can relate because right now I am torn between my fantasies and my real life.