I went down the rabbit hole again. I've been trying to kick this very nasty habit by going what no fap folks call "hard mode". Completely abstaining from all forms of porn and sex. I go really strong for about two weeks then give in. This time I went much further with this sissy stuff.

A few months ago I was delusional to think I could actually become a sissy. I was on dating apps for sissies, paid for a membership. I was on grindr hoping a bbc would respond to me and I would act on those impulses. I even bought toys, clothes and started to train myself in the ways of a sissy.

Today I did the same thing. I binged to sissy porn. In the middle of it I was ready to buy over $200 worth of clothes, toys, makeup etc. I was ready to create a whole new account on all the dating apps I could think of, to try and act on this.

I am not a sissy. I am a heterosexual guy who likes the idea of being submissive sometimes, roleplaying and just wants to feel wanted, to feel love in the most intimate way. That is just the surface of why I cling to this fetish. For all I know, my ideals for sex are completely different and have been ruined thanks to porn and sissy porn.

After five hours and four rounds later I am numb. I am physically, mentally and emotionally depleted. I do not want to feel this numb anymore. I am going to start again and one day I will beat this and never watch a single video sissy or otherwise ever again. It is just not helping me in life. I want to discover who I can really be if I remove this habit. Here I go again. If you read this far, thank you, I just needed to put this out there for myself more than anything.