The brain, conditioning, and so forth is interesting. Media, marketing, manipulation, hypnosis, and conditioning is all around us. Dopamine hijacked all around.

Like many of you, I started jerking off young, before I could even make physical semen from ejaculating.

Horny young guys, a 'friend' would 'force' (I liked the excitement) himself on me and we'd exchange oral. This was my first sexual contact and set the stage for many years to come. This was in developmental 13-15 years old time.

I had low self-esteem, seemingly low Testosterone levels, and a high sex drive. Dopamine and pornography at the fingertips, it's a recipe for re-calibrating and changing the mind.

From ages ~14-19 I would watch a lot of hypnosis, pornography, etc - mostly feminization, dick loving shit, girly dressing etc. Staying up very late, malnutrition, dehydration, dopamine bombarding my impressionable mind. Trying plugs, sharpies, vibrators, etc anally. Porn with girls wasn't interesting, I was interested in being the girl.

After all, I didn't feel desirable as a young guy. I was skinny, weaker, bad acne, didn't have 'popularity'. I was conditioned to learn that the sub girl in bukkake videos was hot and desirable and all that - mental imagery to become 'her' was very powerful.

I would have many sexual encounters with women which were fulfilling but also went on grinder and met up with a few guys and even pre-op T people which were weird and mostly unfulfilling scenarios. I never liked dudes or guys at all, just dick. Conditioning created that strong link.

Still, I was having times with women which were good and I got into psychedelics and stuff. Hypnosis psychedelics was an especially potent combination.

At one point I had a housemate who was super sexy and I would imagine being her. Then I found the ba**i stuff and came from HFO from the very first listen. Dopamine HOOKED. I would listen for the next few years on and off.

She was hot and dating a bodybuilder at the time. I had low self-esteem. She was cheating on him for me. I would also use her stuff and dress up when she was gone.

Eventually and obviously that relationship turned sour but my self-esteem grew and naturalized. My masculinity began emerging (~21 at the time) in the form of body hair, facial hair, etc. Testosterone levels rising.

Still, I had a fetish for this whole genre of things which was rooted in low self-esteem, desire to be someone else, not accepting the self-ego.

With the ba**i stuff I would listen from time to time, but never could achieve HFO again. Chasing the dragon - I'd start buying an outfit, doing more extreme stuff, etc to get that HFO back. The power of dopamine. Never achieved it again.

The bs stuff is so powerful because you remove your old ego, remove self-esteem, remove negativity, and fill it only with dopamine, a false ego, and reinforce stuff you've been dopamine hacked to like for years. It overloads you and is pretty sinister stuff. Look into 'Dopamine Excitotoxicity' - overstimulation can actually 'damage' the brain.

Last year I decided to stop with visual pornography. I never liked how artificial and contrived 'regular' content was, hence why I liked hypno stuff. I got into audio but more neutral stuff, but still interested in that dark hypnosis stuff even up until recently.

However, every time I'd listen and be unfulfilled because I couldn't HFO and would be frustrated. My regular male ego would come back very strong and dislike the sissy stuff. After all, I'm a guy who likes to be fit, have relationships with women, etc.

I got curious and bought a fleshlight out of curiosity and actually really, really enjoyed it! If a hand is 1/10 and sex a 10/10, the fleshlight was a 6,5/10 and actually re-kindled that natural, animalistic spark and essence which makes a human male. Turns out we're wired to hump and fuck and dominate (who would've thought).

This year I decided to stop self-pleasuring. Not entirely, in fact I've gotten off quite a few times since the New Year, but I've reduced frequency dramatically. I also practice breathwork, yoga, meditation, etc somewhat frequently though on and off.

Here are the lessons and things I've learn from this fetish after 10 years:

It's all dopamine - Everything is conditioned with dopamine and this hypnosis stuff is the most powerful dopamine machinegun. It just rapidfires you into pleasure and it's the McDonalds sugary crack of pornography.

Conditioning is reversible - You can re-condition a conditioned mind. It just takes time, effort, and willpower. Don't worry if you slip up - shit happens. Doesn't mean all that effort went to waste, it just slowed down the re-naturalization of your mind briefly.

Self-esteem and ego - For me, a lot of this fetish came from being desired and 'sexy'. I had low self confidence and wanted to be the girl that everyone wanted to fuck - that's what I got acclimatized to thinking. Turns out I'm way fucking better off being my natural, human self without enhancements, hormones, makeup, bling, or whatever. It's all artificial.

I realized that I'm a guy. I was born one and I have the genetic wiring to be such. I should accept and embrace myself for who I am, not try and be someone else. I'm working on self-love because I didn't love myself for most of my life.

Young & impressionable - I had no idea how vulnerable to learning and new neural pathways the young mind is. Up until the mid-20s the brain is figuring out a default mode network. That's why this hypnosis is so powerful as your neurology is re-routed to function in new ways and repetition breeds success.

Masculinity - We're all fed this notion of what is a 'man'. Big dong, giant chest, hairy chin, etc. To a vulnerable 16 year old who is still undergoing puberty, this is hard to cope with since one see's much more familiarly in self and relation to a skinny, horny woman than to the 'quintessential' man.

This misconception of what actually is masculinity I see damaged not only myself but countless others around me. Turns out being a man is just being yourself.

You're a human who likes to eat, sleep, dopamine cycle, and do stuff. Unfortunately there's not much progress made in the modern world yet to masculine positivity and self-acceptance for males. I felt and had a lot of shame of my male urges to have sex, look at women, etc. It's actually okay to have these urges - just don't be an asshole and be respectful to the women around you!

Some positive takeaways

Femininity - If there's one thing this fetish actually did good for me was understanding women and femininity. The desire to be submissive, the desire to look good, dress up, attract a mate. Of course there is so much more than that but I'm just talking at a basal, sexually driven mental state for many (not all) women.

This has allowed me to understand what my partner is feeling and what she wants. Also how to not treat women! Too, I do yoga, am not afraid to do 'girly' things, and whatnot. Shit, sewing, crafts, knitting - that shit is useful life skills.

Conditioning and psychology - Now I fully understand the level as to which the brain & consciousness can be conditioned, misled, and manipulated. Neuro-linguistic programming, subliminals, ASMR captions, etc. I see now how all social media even uses subtle and vague hypnotic and conditioning elements.

These elements have been in play for our entire lives and just gets stronger with social media. We're all being conditioned and manipulated in ways we wouldn't expect or pick up on - Tinder, Facebook, IG, YT - they all know these tricks even better than the Ba**i creator.

How to re-program the mind

• Consider reverse-dopamine hacking yourself. Re-condition yourself to like something else. Maybe that's running, sewing, hunting, cooking, baking, fighting, or boobs - up to you.

• CBD/THC is a potent tool for neuroplasticity (ie; the brains ability to change and adapt). Use that to reinforce learning things above

• Dopamine modulation - stop eating sugary shit, less social media. Put your devices on greyscale mode. Less scrolling, less Reddit (damnit...), less YouTube, less instant pleasure. Re-wire your pleasure and reward system

• Develop healthy sleep, hydration, & nutrition habits - The literal most important things towards a healthy functioning body/brain - 3L water a day, consistent 8 hour sleep schedule, healthy food. Vitamins & supplementation (Vid D3, Creatine, Zinc, Mag, etc) are HUGE towards hormone regulation & production.

• Exercise & social contact - The last pillars towards internal fulfilment and happiness. Be active! Go for a bike ride, do some exercise, go for a run. Get high and dance - get your energy out. We're not made to perpetually sulk and hibernate. Social contact is so important for neurological function. Maintain and keep healthy relationships. Covid has this shit all fucked of course, especially if you're in North America or cold places.

Hopefully, you can use the knowledge of conditioning, ASMR, hpynosis, etc to actually improve your life. You can change the fundamental workings of your brain however you (or anyone) wants. Use this information wisely and best of luck to you in recovery. I'm still in the process (for the next decade) but I'm finally understanding and loving myself for who I am, not what programming makes me think.

I don't use this account but I will try and reply if you have questions or thoughts. Much love my brothers (and women) reading this - I was pretty far gone and I know you can be helped too.