This stuff has ruined so many things in my life yet I still continue to do it.

Not to completely focus on the negative but this whole year has shown that I can't do both. I had months where I've tried to get with guys. I "trained" myself for the real thing every weekend and sometimes on week nights. Because of it I've canceled plans with friends, ignored my increasingly worsening chronic pain, destroyed my self worth to the point part of me literally believes that I'm a lonely sissy gooner and that's okay fine in fact it's who I am, among many other issues.

One of the last times I posted over four months ago I wrote how this has to end otherwise I will. That's still true. Since then Ive had some success in quitting. Best example is going almost three weeks clean in October. I tried therapy but that didn't help and was too expensive to continue because I'm unemployed and still can't get a decent job-I blame this addiction as part of the reason I got fired from my job. Kinda hard to keep one when you show up with low energy, unmotivated, no focus etc.

Now I'm at it again. I'm finally able to get my own place again soon thanks to saving up the past 4 months living with roommates but on top of that I wanna buy all the shit back. When I moved out of my last place I threw out all the toys and clothes and even deleted most of my accounts, pics etc. Well now I wanna do it all again. I already created new accounts on my favorite sites. I've downloaded pics again of past women Ive lusted over and I even joined several discords for sissies and gooners. WTF man... How the hell do I stop this? I can't afford to buy anything but part of me is willing to dip into my savings again. I feel manic. I feel so divided between what I want and what I need

I can't be a masculine dude with my ideal body, always focused and goal oriented mindset, not constantly sexualizing woman, be confident and have a high self worth and so much more. All of which would lead me to getting more friends (I desperately need a bigger social circle) and a girlfriend (I haven't dated in over five years).

This addiction wants the opposite. It demands you see yourself as a loser weak beta whose definitions of those things are completely messed up. It tells me I like men and I'm suppose to submit to alphas and spread the word of the bnwo. My seriously badly addicted to bbc porn. My mind loves it....until I cum.

A few weeks back I had a sexual dream about me and a dude. That's never happened before. This dream was during the time I was over two weeks clean. I won't lie, I found it very hot.

If you read my past post you'll know I think I've discovered I'm heteroflexible meaning that if the situation called for it I would do some sexual things with a guy but I'm not romantically wanting that with a guy. I think that's okay for me but it's screwing with me wanting to stay clean because being with a guy means I'm the submissive one unless it's a femboy or younger trans or something. Idk man it's all weird and still confusing to me.

I wish I could just flip a switch in my head. Wake up one day knowing deep down that I'm not that guy who watches porn anymore. I let me decide what I like sexually and have no outside influences on that choice. I wish I felt I didn't need to have sex (or in my case, jerk off) to survive when it's literally killing me in multiple aspects of my life.

Okay rant over. I kinda lost where I was going with this. Any advice, positive words or whatever is appreciated. Please help me decide to not spend money on stuff again. If I did I wouldn't want to quit for a few months because I'd want to use the stuff and play out some fantasies.....ugh I really want to buy stuff, post on reddit and have a guy over asap....but then again I really don't want that.