I want to apologize a head of time for the super long post ahead as well as how hypocritical I am about all this.

Anyways I've seen my life go back down the rabbit hole too many times in the past 9 months. I've purged everything only to buy everything back with money I don't really have less than two weeks later several times. I'm now to the point where I have everything I would need to live out this fetish. A bunch of clothes, toys, cages etc. I even went through my Facebook and found all the girls I was attracted to in high school, college, past girlfriends and even some friends of them and saved all their pictures to look at as examples of the women I would never get. I'd jerk off to them imagining them telling me humiliating things.-something I never did before. Does anyone else do that? Point is, I could really go full "sissy" if I wanted to and believe me I've tried.

Sometime around Thanksgiving last year was when I started doing what are called "gooning sessions" even found all the subreddits on gooning and really tried to convince myself that was my life now. I would spend an entire days "gooning" and posting about it on Reddit. The hits of dopamine from getting responses from people encouraging me were great in the moment but I always wanted more. I started to train myself for the real thing and desperately tried to find a local guy (who wasn't a total creep, gross and just not a random dude) to try things with. Nothing between several dating apps and local subreddits made it happen. I had one night where a guy was ready for me to come over later but he ghosted me. I was all ready to go but never heard back and felt kinda dumb about it all.

So that became my weekends for the rest of the winter. Especially during snow storms or bad weather I'd use that as an excuse not to go hang out with friends and just stay in to be my "sissy gooner" self. I even debated creating an only fans or something to really start getting into it and trying to implement this into my life with the justification that it also makes me money now. I posted pics of myself online (but no face pics) and the gratification from others fueled my desires. Still, I wanted something real.

Well oddly enough I went on a few dates with a beautiful woman for about a month. We really hit it off but one time we didn't plan to meet up she texted me right in the middle of one of my "sessions" and I panicked. I tried to sober up (from weed) and ran to her house because I'd much rather have that. She wouldn't have been the type to welcome or even understand this behavior. Very much had the views that guys play a masculine dominant role which I guess if I had to, I could turn it on but I wasn't overly like that. Skip a month in and we finally have sex. Porn induced Sexual dysfunction is real-read that again please! I lived it when I was with her. I could barely get it up despite me finding her very attractive. I came so fast, faster than I ever have with any woman before. The embarrassment i had was very hard to hide. She tried her best to encourage me to go longer but my body said hell no. The first round I wasn't even that hard too, so embarrassing. In the end she had to move away but we still talk sometimes. I really liked her but my porn addiction got in the way like so many times before.

Which brings me to my life now. Over the past several months I have tried to stop but there is something fundamentally changed within me. After all this time the past few years of trying to stop and failing, part of me truly believes that I am destined to be a "sissy beta gooner loser". Part of me is totally fine with gooning away sometimes because that is what I do. That is my sex life. I don't get woman. I don't even get men. I stay at home and goon to sissy porn pretending I would actually be able to be a cuck in a relationship I don't have or be with some sissy loving bbc Dom. It's insane. I don't want this. I want a loving wife, a family, a great supportive group of friends too-none of that I have nor am I anywhere close to having. But the dream or better yet the delusional fantasy that I can be some bbc sissy slut overrides the other dream. My dopamine is shot to hell. Ive been struggling to sleep well for months. I still like the gym and workout but I make no progress and even thought about changing my routine to have a more feminine body (I use to bodybuild so I'm still pretty muscular from those days). When I say I tried to convince myself I could have this fantasy be my life I really did. Every aspect of my life I started to try and see through a "sissy" lens. Funny enough the two biggest things for this fetish to succeed I can't get into. Cum eating and anal. Cum is gross (I've tried a few times) and now I don't get why woman would like it but still watch stuff that encourages me too. Anal is a whole other issue. That shit hurts and I hardly if ever found lasting pleasure in it plus the prep, clean and potential for a gross time is all too real-takes me right out of it. Those two things are the basics for the sissy life but fuck that I find no pleasure in either lol.

Now? Well now I've contemplated suicide more in the past few months then I ever had. Id never do it but that's just how torn apart my life is. I'm barely holding on to a job (got put on a performance improvement plan recently) and still living paycheck to paycheck with no room for a vacation (I've spent probably over 5k in total over the past two years on sissy stuff). My chronic pain from past injuries is flaring up more causing me to feel weak and not confident enough to go be social so I isolate too much. I'm completely lost. I try to go just a few days of abstaining but mindlessly come back to it. I feel the only way for me to truly overcome is to hit the bottom of rock bottom I can-however possible idk. I hate myself but also love myself for this struggle. Everyone around me like my coworkers that are some friends, family too thinks I'm a great guy and has no idea the immense battle I am in for my very life.

I've been a hypocrite. I've posted on here a long time ago. I started Reddit through the no fap subreddit too. I've done an online program from a YouTuber who has a porn addiction rehab program-i didn't commit enough to make it work. I've done therapy, I've gone done other YouTube video rabbit holes on how to beat this. I've even had another YouTuber who addresses this specific fetish try to help me (it was actually very helpful, again I just didn't commit as much as I should have). I'm totally lost. The only thing I know is I can't keep doing this. I can't keep trying to white knuckle myself through the attempts to abstain. I undeniably enjoy a part of this. I'm probably bisexual but I've learned of a new term recently called hetero flexible and I think that describes me best. I also believe that could change when I truly never see this stuff ever again. I don't want a relationship with a guy in any sense of the word. I've been on a few dates with guys and each time something within me says this is wrong and not really what I need in life.

So, I guess I'll try and start over. I can't purge anything yet until I am fully committed deep down in the pit of my heart because I don't want to ever come back to this. I know that a lot of my issues won't go away by just quitting porn but quitting will make things so much easier. Today I'm going to start again. One day at a time knowing that eventually I will overcome this. I will integrate the part of me that likes this then see those fetish fantasies go away as my brain resets. It feels like it's literally do or die for me. I'd rather live.

That's all without going into the details of my life story. If anyone wants to chat for support I'm open to it.

If you read all of that I hope you got some motivation knowing that someone else is going through the same as you. We all take our own roads in life so don't compare yourself to me. I wish you all the best in whatever your recovery journey brings you. You aren't broken, a bad person or weak, your human and this shit isn't worth it. I'm still trying to convince myself of that too. Good luck dear reader.

TLDR; lve falsely convinced part of myself that I'm a sissy gooner lonely loser but it's ruining my life to the point of possible suicide. I'm trying to get my shit together one day at a time. Open to chat if anyone wants to get support.