So this morning I basically relapsed again after relapsing yesterday, but there was a difference in the 2 relapses and how I felt. Last night's relapse, I felt like absolute shit afterwards, I felt like a loser and my energy felt really low. I had also ate not too long ago, don't know if that had something to do with it. I was just chasing a high after feeling an urge.

Today's relapse was different. One of the hardest parts for me is waking up. It's so easy for me to relapse bc 1 I'm in bed, and 2 I always check the time on my phone which leads to endless scrolling. As I was indulging in porn, I stopped, in an attempt to discontinue masterbation, but I thought that it would just build the urge even stronger later, so I resumed. As I was doing it, I was having, ig I'd call it pre nut clarity, as I was actively in my mind wondering why this is so addictive. What was it about what I was watching that was so enticing? This is not the 1st time I consciously masturbated.

A little bit of background on me, I wont go into too much bc of my fear of being judged by other men for what I'm into, I've been exploring my femininity. I have thoughts about crossdressing and expressing my femininity more. So the porn I watch involves categories of "sissies" "femboys" and "bbc".

The reason why I bring up the type of stuff that I watch, is bc as of now, I am not in the position to express my femininity as I would like to, so I do subtle things like painting my toenails. The reason why I tend to keep going back to these categories specifically is bc I am vicariously living through these people that I'm watching. Watching them explore their sexuality and femininity and genuinely enjoying themselves. This is why I named the title of this "Mental Blockages".

I've seen people say that addictions are a result of a bigger problem. Instead of dealing with the problem directly, we seek out pleasure via drugs, sex, and porn etc.

The bigger problem can be many things or a combination of them, from being lonely, touch starved, low self esteem, or shame of ones sexuality (depending on what they watch). Now, I'm not saying that some of these categories like "cucking" or "bbc" is who you are deep down, as a lot of it is simply porn induced, but you can always tell a difference in what's genuine or what's not really you.

I'm bisexual, so I've experienced with guys before so ik what I like and don't like as far as orientation or kinks go. What we have to do is the opposite of what we do with porn.

Having this addiction can easily form depression and make one lose interest in original hobbies. This is what I've been experiencing. It feels like we can never defeat it right? We just have to be stronger than our minds and our urges. The hobbies we lost interest in, we have to pick them back up and use it like how we do porn, but the opposite. Porn at the beginning is exciting, enticing and highly stimulating. Once the orgasms aren't as stimulating, we search for stronger categories, fetishes to rebuild a new base because our dopamine levels have crashed down, so we need something hotter to watch to get us excited again. You use porn so much to where you are burnt out and need something stronger.

With our hobbies, we already have low interest in them due to our porn use as our "feel good" source. So we must do our other hobbies so much, to where we get excited to do them again. We can do this by starting new projects, setting new goals, small goals to get back to where we were. Whether its working out, drawing, music, reading, writing, anything for those who have no hobbies.

Its gonna suck at the beginning but you have to build up your excitement again towards these things. Find a new approach to your old hobbies. Set a new small goal to work up to a bigger one. Draw small things to eventually be able to make a bigger piece. Start with just push ups or sit ups to then being able to a full workout session.

So after I relapsed today, I talked to myself and I came up with these thoughts that I'm sharing to you right now. I wrote down in my journal this same mental breakthrough. I didnt feel like shit, I actually felt like I had more energy, I didnt feel like a loser, and my energy was more optimistic instead of pessimistic. I havent wrote in my journal in a while but this relapse epiphany  inspired me.

Dont worry about the days, this puts more pressure on ourselves and we become envious of those with more days than us. Instead of worrying about the days, focus on what all you did in that day. Do anything BUT relapse, dont count the days. I'm 25 and I've been addicted since I was molested around 10 years old.

I have a long way to go, but on the way, is an opportunity to heal and become even stronger than you ever were. Hold yourself accountable. Observe your mind, watching yourself.

Godspeed soldiers.