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10
I used to be the glue
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I used to be very social. I had a great many friends and I was seemingly loved by all. I would walk into a coffee place, a bar, a local concert, and I would normally know at least a few people but usually most and would be greeted with open arms, immediate hugs and people excited to see me. I was the guy people called to hang out. My house was always the place to be and if it wasn't, I was where it was. I'm not saying all this to sound like the "cool guy" lol. In fact I never really cared about stuff like that and never really thought about it back then. It was just how it always was so maybe I took it for granted.

All my life, my inner circles usually circled around me. Except for some extended circles that sprouted off ours, I was always the glue that held us together. The center of the circle with some amazing people. Of course circles change as you get older and the "center" isn't as easy to see but I was just the guy that people wanted to be around. I always felt the love and I loved them.

I know all this probably sounds conceited but I'm only saying all this because that man is gone. I don't go out, I don't call, and I barely ever get calls anymore. It's not because my friends suck, it's because I do. From refusing invites, and being completely anti social. From being sad, angry, and always zapped of energy.

I'm so very lucky to have my wife. Without her I'd probably be dead but certainly never talk to anyone. I should say I'm lucky to still have her. Five years of living with a stranger and the part she knew, continuously fading away. The man I knew, long gone.

The really scary part is that until recently, I had no idea. You see, after brain surgery, I was told there was nothing wrong. For years of MRI's, EEG's, blood tests and more, I was told that all was well. My mood swings were me just being an asshole. My anti social behavior was just because of my constant fatigue, and my fatigue was because I was simply getting older.

About a week ago, maybe more, maybe less, because with my memory and time blindness, who the hell knows. My wife ordered medical records because she couldn't take me anymore. She in a final desperate attempt to figure out why I was the way I was, why I was this stranger, why I made her feel unsafe, and hated. Why I would be so very loving, then downright terrible and with me feeling like it was all her because I couldnt remember being terrible. I would forget my point, and change my stance in the middle of an argument because I couldn't remember the first half and there were two people fighting inside me.

The sweet loving guy that couldn't understand why my wife had changed so much and why she kept starting these fights that made no sense and would say things about me that to me, we're downright untrue, so she must be the problem because none of it was me and I refused to believe it. I pawned it off on her trauma, her mental illnesses, her psychosis, and her weening off some seriously hard meds to ween off of. To top it off, I couldn't say any of this too her because the nature of her trauma and insecurities, it could lead to possible suicide. So I stuffed my frustrations and worries down and I held them down in an attempt to drown them and kill them off. I'd never let her know any of this because I didn't want her to feel bad for something that wasn't in her control. I knew this wasn't her, I just held onto hope that we could get past this time in our lives. He even began to question himself and look deeper into himself because she wasn't a lier, she wasn't this person, so maybe it wasn't her. Maybe it was me because she wouldn't lie or say things like she did if they weren't true, but admitting it was me, was admitting that I had lost my mind. I didn't know the person she described, so I spired out, I was overwhelmed constantly, I was sad, afraid, and straight up terrified because she described a tyrant. She described an angry, evil man. She described a person that made no sense to me and I felt so goddamn bad because I trusted her and that meant that I was that person. I was the reason she hurt so bad, I was the reason she couldn't trust me, I was the reason she felt constantly afraid and I was the reason she hurt herself repeatedly and wanted to die. I was the one that destroyed our marriage, I was the reason a once great love that went through more shit in 7 years than most would ever have too, but handled it together against all odds, and with an undying love that healed us and sheilded us from the outside world, was about to end as firery hot as our begining because If she was right, he destroyed it from the inside. I destroyed the woman that nobody could, and the marriage that couldn't be destroyed. I destroyed the things most precious to me, and the last stronghold in my life.

Then there's the other guy. The stranger that neither of us knew and I couldn't remember or accept. This man was not loving, and kind. This man was cold, vindictive, and mean. This man didn't hide the feelings the sweet man worked so hard too. This man outright and out loud blamed her for our issues. This man felt unloved, resented, hated, and gaslit. This man let her know how hard she was to handle and how her illnesses and struggles effected him. This man was constantly overwhelmed and harbored a great deal of resentment and complete lack of patience for her. He would explode at the slightest issue or comment made by her. He would feel attacked, He would tell her she's a lier, she's fragile, and taking out her trauma on him. She made it all up! She's destroying us, she's breaking what couldn't be broken and she doesn't seem to care. She's so dead set on blaming him that she couldn't see what she was doing. She didn't see him, she didn't appreciate him, she didn't have patience for him or care about him at all. Meeting in the middle wasn't a thing. She wanted every little thing to be perfect. She expected him to meet her demands, be the man she wanted, and keep his mouth shut about everything else. In fact he wasn't allowed to talk about anything she didn't want too. If he did, she would get overwhelmed, and cry, and fall back on her trauma, and this guy, this fucking stranger was so fucking tired of this. He couldn't take it anymore, all this was a broken glass that was already overflowing. He hated the sound of her cries, he resented the fact that she could simply say or act triggered and he immediately had to stuff everything down. That made everything worse! That made him feel like he was drowning, and she was the one shoving his head and his feelings underwater, trying to kill the last piece of himself, and not showing once ounce of love or care for that piece, or him at all. She wanted him gone, she wanted the shell that was left, she wanted him beaten down to a pulp so she could finally win over a man. So she could be on top and be the one in control and in power. And even tho he was a piece of complete shit and seemingly hated her for this, he also loved her deeply. He wasn't going to go without a fight but he knew he eventually would. He knew she would win because deep down he deserved it, and what's more, she deserved to be on top. He would make that sacrifice for her and he hated her for that too, and he made goddamn sure she knew he was making that sacrifice. She would win, but she would feel every bit of pain, suffering, and guilt that he could give her before she got there. This man was a disgrace and I fucking HATE him. I hate him as much as I do the people that caused her trauma. I hate him even more! I'll never stop regretting this man and the things he's done and said.

We were in an open marriage, which had its fair share of issues as you can imagine. But unknowingly I used it as a way to feel attractive, to feel like someone wanted me, to feel enough for someone if only for a little while, and without knowing all the issues in my life. I could pretend to have my shit together. It was very unhealthfully "filling" a hole in me. Because I was so overwhelmed and tired, and frustrated, I crossed a boundary with ENM, and when she texted me about it, (I was with the other girl at the time) I didn't take it as seriously as I should have and honestly don't even remember fully what she said. I just knew I was immediately overwhelmed and she was taking away the only thing that made me feel good. Because of that, I let myself believe it wasn't a big deal and I had sex with her anyways. I hurt my wife yet again and this time seemed to be the last straw and while I didn't understand or know the person that did that, at the end of the day, these two people I've described are the same person.

I am a soft, gental, kind, and loving man.

I'm an emotional, hate filled, angry, mean, defensive and at times explosive man.

I can separate the two men all I want but that doesn't take away the guilt, and the hatred I feel for myself.

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1 year ago