F41, married to hubby 39M and swinging for 4 years.

So many posts here about ED, but looking for feedback about talking to potential play partners ahead of spicy time.

The thing is, ED is gonna happen from time to time and I’ve learned to not take it so personally if a guy can’t get or stay hard. BUT my play style preferences would best be summed up as: oral is nice but PIV is what I need to get off and is the experience I’m looking for to be satisfied.

So in my conversations/vetting of new couples, I’d really like to be able to openly talk about my needs and theirs and try and suss out if the guys are a good fit. But I feel like conventional wisdom is “don’t bring up ED you don’t wanna spook him.” I definitely don’t wanna put anything into a guys head ahead of time that might make performance anxiety worse. At the same time it seems reasonable to me to wanna know like hey are you used to playing with condoms because that’s a hard boundary for us and I’d like to know this won’t be a problem for you? Are you comfortable playing in front of others or in group situations? Do you have ED meds for “insurance”?

Recently we played with a couple and the other husband could not get remotely hard, the entire time. Basically my hubby banged his wife while she went down on me and I tried oral unsuccessfully on her husband. When I went to the bathroom the other husband admitted to my hubby that while in the military he got blown up in combat and had a brain injury and gets ED since. He seemed to really enjoy watching his wife get fucked but I was pretty bummed out by the experience. After the fact, definitely felt like he knew that’s exactly how the date would go down and their dynamic was he really loved watching her be pleased and I felt like they should have just found a single guy and not bothered with couples at all…

One example but made me wonder if I had been clearer about what I was looking for, perhaps we could have realized we weren’t a good fit with this couple.

So I’m sure lots of people will say don’t bring it up but let’s say we ignore that advice and go for the tough approach of taking the bull by the horns and bringing up erections and expectations etc. Advice on the most tactful way to do this to not sound like a huge jerk? At the end of the day I wanna make it clear I’m looking for full swaps with PIV, anything less TO ME is a bummer and just not the experience I’m trying to have.