My husband and I have been together for 10 years, 8 of those years "in the lifestyle." Over those years, we've gone to lifestyle parties or dates one to three times a month (with breaks here and there for work and family reasons).

My issue is that whenever we go to a party and don't swap with a MF or F, my husband's mood is sour for the rest of the night and the next day. Versus when we do swap, he is affectionate and glowing.

As time has passed, I've started to feel anxious leading up to parties and dates, because I am unsure of whether we will click with anyone. Not clicking means 24 hours of my husband in a melancholy mood and being hard on himself. After a Halloween hotel takeover where we swapped with a couple one night and struck out the next, my husband was the worst I've ever seen him. I mentally broke, and told him I wanted a break from lifestyle events.

It has been over a month since then. Today, he accused me of lying to him and having "no interest in the lifestyle" over the past few years. I told him that I had a lot of fun over the years, but the pressure and anxiety of feeling like I have to put on a performance and work to initiate a swap just to ensure his affection and prevent a melancholy mood has eroded the fun and excitement of events.

He responded by retierating that it seems like I "don't want to be in the lifestyle anymore" and that I "don't seem excited." How can I be excited after years of an emotional rollercoaster, not knowing if my husband is going to reach for my hand on the drive home or if I will be the one tentatively putting my hand on his shoulder until he shrugs it off?

He says that he can't tell who I am attracted to, and that I often don't pick up on cues when an attractive couple/woman is interested in us. Which is a fair assessment and something I can work on.

All that I want is for him to have a good attitude no matter if we swap or not, instead of falling into a disappointment spiral that negatively impacts his confidence and vibe.

Has anyone else gone through something similar?

Further background; I am 5'8 at 150-ish pounds, he is 5'8 and 170-ish pounds, we are in our late 20s/early 30s in the Midwest.