Hi all, my wife (37) and I (36) came into the lifestyle about a year ago and we are coming up against some issues with my anxiety disorder and how her playing with other guys is triggering it big time.

TLDR: Need advice on how to manage my abandonment anxieties when wife is playing solo.

So we have been together for almost 10 years and in that time I have had numerous bouts of depression, anxiety and mental health problems. Tbh these have persisted throughout my life and I have spent a lot of time in therapy working on them. They are significantly easier to manage now than they have been in the past but things like attachment issues, abandonment concerns and emotional permanence can play havoc with my head.

So a year ago we started visiting clubs and having a good time. On our first visit we played with a few other couples and it moved forward from there. I never really struggled with that since we were in the same room and it was just hot for us both. However as we have moved on, I have realised that exploring kink and bisexuality are really important to me in terms of why I am doing this, and for her it’s more about the thrill and having fun. So we have recognised that there are situations where playing separate are likely and probably preferred. She isn’t interested in kink and she also wants to be able to explore apart from me.

This is where it starts to get tricky for me. When she has played solo I have found it very difficult to regulate my anxiety and have definitely found myself in panic mode on a few occasions. I am trying really hard to work on this and using these experiences as a sort of “exposure therapy” is improving things, slowly. I know there is a bit of jealousy in there but that really isn’t the driver at all. It’s the insecurity and the fear and a feeling that I simply cannot seem to control my emotional regulation as well as I want to. It has always been something I take responsibility for but I think my wife feels like I should either just be “fine” with it by now, or should hide it from her.

We already see a couples therapist and we journal, and check in with each other. We have tried to exist in a space of vulnerability and honesty with each other. We have an otherwise very positive relationship where we collaborate well, are best friends and share our domestic and parenting roles really well. This is just one area where I am not moving at a pace she feels is needed for us both to enjoy this journey the way we want to.

I have talked to a number of friends in the swing and lifestyle scene who have told me that I shouldn’t do anything I don’t want to do. But the fact is I WANT to do it. I am trying so hard to overcome this problem because we both enjoy the lifestyle and the fun and happiness it brings us, but my wife is starting to feel like the cost is too high.

How can I show her that I am working towards a better level of emotional regulation? And what techniques or processes have people used to manage their anxiety and focus on everyone’s enjoyment more?