First, I am sorry for the novel. Figured this community may be the be a great sounding board for advice.

My wife (32F) and I (34M) have been together since high school. I was essentially her first partner for most things, while she was my second sexual partner. We’ve been married for almost ten years and have an incredibly healthy marriage and partnership. Our similar upbringings left us with shared family traumas, which we bonded over from the start of our relationship. We also have strong communication skills and emotional intelligence, which I attribute to those shared experiences.

This past year, her father passed away unexpectedly. As a result, we’ve both been reevaluating our lives and experiences—both individually and as a couple. Not long after his passing, during one of our late-night conversations, she mentioned that her thoughts were lingering on how we’ve never had time to experience true independence, such as living alone, dating other people, etc. I understood where she was coming from and told her I believed that was a completely valid feeling, given the way our lives have unfolded.

As we continued the conversation, she felt comfortable enough to share that, while she loved our relationship and had no doubt about wanting to spend her life with me, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to experience other sexual partners. I echoed my previous sentiments, acknowledging that her thoughts were valid. I also recognized that this was a very emotionally traumatic time for her and suggested we explore this topic further once we had a chance to process the loss more fully.

As promised, we revisited the conversation later. In the lead-up, I had been doing research on ethical non-monogamy (ENM) to better understand how to approach her desires and mindset. During this follow-up conversation, she shared a specific fantasy: being with an older man. This wasn’t a new revelation for me; she had mentioned this preference in our younger years, and I’d always found it reasonable, assuming it was common for many women.

We discussed that if we were to seriously consider opening up our marriage in this way, we’d need to do our research together, ensure we were on solid ground emotionally, and set clear boundaries, as I had learned in my research. One important thing that came up was that she didn’t want this to become a lifestyle. She wasn’t interested in being polyamorous, had a stigma around “swinging” (likely tied to her family trauma), and, as an introvert, had little desire to attend events or actively seek out partners. This makes it especially challenging. She was also uncomfortable with the idea of just picking a stranger, as she feels the need to connect with someone emotionally before being intimate. Dating apps also worried her due to the risks around safety, privacy, and other concerns.

So, I’m coming here to seek insight from others who may have walked a similar path. Has anyone experienced something like this? How do we navigate these kinds of circumstances? Is it realistically possible to have one or two healthy and safe experiences within this framework? What might we be missing as we begin to explore ENM together?