(Warning: this is humor)(not super funny)(long)

We are going to the wonderful Libertine hotel takeover in San Antonio, TX this coming weekend. I thought I would write the review of the event BEFORE even going, since I know exactly how it will unfold and I have a bit of time on my hands this morning.

1. Trip: marking myself safe from hurricanes Milton and Helene, since we are driving from Dallas. Still, a long drive. Next time, have the event in a more convenient location (like: the northern Dallas 'burbs). The good looking Floridians will all cancel their trips and the dates we had set up.

2. The hotel. As old as the Alamo. The A/C is not going to work properly. The pool is going to be too cold and the hot tub too hot. The Canadians will get up at 6am to steal the best spots by the pool. There will not be enough pool towels.

3. Service. Horrible. The wait staff is going to be rude and won't bring us extra towels for our orgies each night promptly enough. They didn't even want to get naked with us. Even the males. And only one cute bartender.

4. Food. There were only 60 restaurants on the boardwalk to choose from. Taco Bell was too far and didn't door dash. I will have to have pizza three days in a row, and not have enough sex to lose the weight.

5. Demographics. Everyone is going to be in their 70s. Maybe even 80s. There will be one cute couple in their 30s, who will be there just to watch. Darn newbies!

6. Themes. I will spend $300 and countless hours at the Halloween store to find the right costumes, only to find out that 90% of the attendees did not bother. I will get one compliment and 20 amused stares.

7. Sex. We will get on great with a nice couple, work them for three days, only to find out the husband has a micro penis and the wife has BV. I will make drunk offers to blow everyone, only to be rebuffed. Jon will fuck everyone and will be too tired to pay me any attention.

8. Side activities: I will pay $200 for a canal boat tour and will fall in between the boat and the dock and will have to swim back to the hotel. Those embankments are steep!

Well, if it is going to be like that, I might as well not go! But I bet Cate will not refund me. What a bitch!