Hubby 38M and I 40F have been together for 9 years, married for 2 and open for the last 4 or 5.

Back when we were dating (for a few months), I brought up the idea of an ENM relationship. I had friends in open relationships and that were swingers, and I envied their adventures. Before Hubby I had a few long term relationships that were sexually very unfulfilling, then I met him and kinda went through an awakening. So I brought it up, and he was not interested. I knew that my relationship with him was worth more than any fantasies so I drop the topic entirely and never bring it up again. Years go by and we built a life together, integrating our families and buying a home. And then he surprisingly brings up the idea of swinging and wants to give it a go, so we decide to try it and have a blast and swing for a few years.

Eventually we get frustrated by feeling like we can never find couples we are equally excited about, it always seems like one side has FIRE chemistry and one side is totally meh. We decide to try solo dating, and at first this gives me a lot of jealousy and anxiety but I work through it with books and podcasts and Reddit advice and a lot of soul searching. We start having “friends with benefits” separately. I know this is hated by many in the community as a terrible sin so I guess I should be prepared to get shit on for this path we took.

So now we’ve been dating people solo for a bit over two years. About 8 months ago my husband starts dating a woman that went through a divorce recently and was looking for something casual but consistent. But over time their relationship starts to bother me. Hubby gushes about this woman constantly and it starts to make me feel really insecure. He loves that she’s a ball buster and they “shit talk” all the time, in ways I just don’t understand because I’m a very sensitive person. He tells me about how great their sex life is and how they fuck like bunnies four times a night (meanwhile he and I are struggling to be intimate once or twice a week). He meets her sister and her friends and her KIDS. He starts asking to see her two or three times a week.

About two months ago I start feeling super emotional. I’ve struggled with depression since 15 but it’s been well managed with medication and therapy for the last many years. But now I am having deep feelings of sadness and fits of anger. I ask my husband to pump the brakes on dating other people, And scale it way back. He then has a few dates planned and when I ask him to prioritize me and my needs and I start to literally have a breakdown with frequent panic attacks he basically tells me that these dates were planned ahead and I had agreed to them prior and he won’t be cancelling. We start having huge fights. I’m falling apart. I beg him to prioritize our marriage as I’m getting really worried and he basically refuses and keeps choosing her. Weeks of this and I finally lose my shit completely and tell him he needs to make a choice her or me. He breaks down and cries for the first time basically since I’ve known him and begs me to let him still have his girlfriend. He thinks he can save our marriage and IM HIS PRIORITY but he says he can’t let her go. I finally pry out his feelings from him: he’s in love with her and oh by the way he feels like I haven’t put effort into our relationship for a year. I tell him I can’t live like this with her as my constant competition and him choosing her and still save our marriage. He cries more and breaks up with her, he seems devastated.

I’m profoundly shaken by all of this. We start couples therapy next week and I started individual therapy as well. I feel super betrayed he let himself go down this road for months and never spoke up about his feelings to me. We have a shit ton of work to do to come back from this but the last week we’ve both REALLY opened up a lot and we’re having important tough talks we should have been having all along and I’m feeling hopeful we will make it through this.

Has anyone had similar disasters and how did you come back from that???