My husband and I are full swap. We have this on all of our profiles and specifically state that we only want to meet with other full-swap couples (no parallel play, no soft swapping, no singles).

Well, of course, no one reads the profiles, and yesterday a couple reached out to my husband about meeting up this weekend. The other husband and my man had a bit of back-and-forth, exchanged pictures and there was a mutual attraction. We get a group chat going, and they tell us they're soft swap only. I felt bad, but immediately told them how bummed I was but unfortunately our play styles are too different, and wished them luck in finding someone. Well, the other husband lost his shit. He said that we were assholes and were looking down on them for being soft swap only and then he called us a few other choice names. I had literally only sent one comment telling them we didn't match. That was it.

Later, my husband got a message from their profile on SDC from the wife. She asked why we couldn't do soft swap with them just this once. Of course, my husband gave her a very polite answer, and then they blocked us. But I thought it might be helpful to post here and explain why we don't even meet with soft swappers just in case any newbies out there want to know.

Our main issue is that soft swapping has a million definitions and it fully depends on the couple. If you only do soft swap, we essentially have to interrogate you prior to play to make sure we don't break any of your boundaries or rules, because the last thing we want is to violate someone's trust or make anyone uncomfortable.

Think of it this way:

• Full swap is POSITIVELY defined. It is defined by the one basic thing you CAN do: PIV penetration. So the assumption is everything is on the table unless they tell you otherwise.
• Soft Swap is NEGATIVELY defined. It is defined by the one thing you CAN'T do: PIV penetration. And now we have to question them to figure out what we are actually allowed to do.

Here are a few boundaries we've seen from soft swappers over the years, just to give you an idea of how different they can be:

1. No kissing
2. Closed-mouth kissing only
3. No oral for her/him
4. No coming in her mouth/breasts/face/body
5. No coming on his face
6. No fingering
7. No humping (I'm dead serious about this one. It was even in their profile)
8. No whispering or growling or moaning "too loud" (I still don't know what constitutes as "too loud" )
9. No eye contact
10. No cuddling
11. Hand jobs only
12. No hands or mouths, toys only to get her off
13. Only anal (seriously, we met a couple that only did anal, but no vaginal play as they considered that full swap but not anal)

Soft swapping is just so nebulous. You never know what is allowed from a soft swap couple without a prolonged conversation and even then I'm terrified I'm going to upset someone. So it's just easier for us to pass out of respect for other people's boundaries.

I'm not better than you. I'm not doing a "more advanced" version of swinging. I'm just a very nervous person that is scared of getting yelled at.

NOTE: This is a non-comprehensive list and just what we've personally experienced. I know there are full swappers out there with some wild rules but we've been very lucky and haven't met with anyone that has overbearing boundaries, just a few "no cuddling" couples and one who wanted my husband to cum on her face and not inside her (if he was able)