Having some thoughts about a recent experience that ties in to my overarching feelings about the lifestyle as a single male. Feeling the urge to share/purge. Mods feel free to delete if this breaks any rules. Also this will be a long post, so apologies in advance.

I am 30 and have been in the lifestyle as a single male for about a decade. I started by answering Craigslist ads with varying levels of success, then switched to Tinder with the same result. Eventually discovered SLS and Feeld which were game changers at the time.

The way it has worked in my experience is that it's almost entirely on me to make the first connection on sites like SLS or SDC. The vast majority of couples I reach out to don't respond. Sometimes I will get a response indicating that they aren't interested (which is vastly preferred to radio silence). No worries. I'm not going to float everyone's boat and have no qualms with an up front rejection.

If a response comes back that is seemingly positive, the vast majority will end after a few back and forth messages with the couple stopping responding. Again, no big deal. Sometimes you want to get a sense of someone's personality and it just isn't what you're looking for.

Sometimes though, the response will begin very positively, with affirmation and validation of my physical appearance and personality. I've heard variations of "you seem like exactly what we're looking for" many times. And then when it comes time to arrange for a meeting, radio silence. I have learned that in the lifestyle you have to have a pretty thick skin and not take things personally. There could be an infinite number of reasons why things Peter out and none of them have to reflect negatively on you. That doesn't mean it isn't frustrating when things stop abruptly. I have been left sitting in my car wondering where the people I'm supposed to meet are, and deal with it when the realization dawns on me that they aren't coming. Maybe they never were.

In the event that a meeting is arranged and everyone shows up, historically my experience has been that it almost always leads to play. I would wager that most people aren't going to venture to meet someone in person unless they already have a pretty good idea that they are interested in something happening. Sometimes the experiences are wonderful, often times they are just okay, and a few times they have been disasters. But nothing so bad that it made me want to stop.

And so we get to this most recent experience. I met a couple on Feeld and they seemed very earnest. We talked for weeks leading up to our meeting, exchanged some saucy pictures and messages, and eventually had a group text with all three of us that got fairly hot and heavy. The day came for our meeting and they were asking me if I already had condoms, if they could shower at my hotel, and lots of speculation about activities that would take place. It felt very right and everyone seemed excited.

We met at a restaurant literally next door to my hotel. They drove an hour to meet me. We sat and talked over drinks for maybe an hour. It wasn't the most electric meetup I've ever had, but far from the worst and I've had several with less chemistry that ended up with play. At a certain point I tell them they are cordially invited to join me in my hotel room. They say they'd like to talk it over a bit more, and we all assure each other that it was very nice to meet, which it was. I go back to my room, and wait about twenty minutes until I get a text from the woman of the couple. She tells me that I am great, and have a fascinating perspective on the lifestyle, but I just didn't have the "it factor" she needed for play. A disappointment to be sure. But one that I can stomach and move on from. Then there was a follow up message where she tells me that they are both disappointed because they REALLY wanted to play that night, and her husband was especially disappointed. But I could drop them a line if I needed anything.

Before I go any further, I'll say that she was as kind about it as I could have hoped for. There is no anger or resentment towards her or anyone who doesn't want to sleep with me. I am owed nothing and I would never want anyone to settle on me just to get their rocks off. But for reasons I can't entirely explain, it stung more than I thought. A lot more. They came a great distance after weeks of buildup and were both revved up and ready to do the thing, but after an hour of seeing me in person she decided I just didn't have what she was looking for. I did not ask what it was that I was lacking and frankly don't want to know, because it's not like I would change myself for anyone just to get laid.

The next day I was feeling pretty bummed. I started to think about my journey in the lifestyle and how burnt out I've been feeling. I'm tired of the pageantry. I'm tired of the expectation of being remarkable. I'm tired of having to stop myself from feeling too excited or seeming too eager, but still being expected to maintain consistent communication and willingness. I'm tired of putting in emotional labor and putting myself out there in the hopes that I will get the validation I seek and have the opportunity to express my sexuality. And I'm very tired of making connections, being told how great it was and how they'd love to see me again, and then being ghosted or brushed off as a nuisance when I try to connect again.

The obvious answer is to stop. Take a step back, or several steps back. Work on myself and find solace in loved ones, hobbies, and meaningful connections in my life. Sex isn't everything after all, and I'm setting myself up for failure and heartache by looking for validation from others. And I'll get there. I'll be fine. And maybe I'll get back into the lifestyle eventually. But right now it hurts. It hurts that I try my hardest to be consistent, reliable, kind, physically viable, and a skilled lover. Only to be met with so much rejection, or to be treated like a piece of meat that is cast aside once the novelty wears off. I realize I sound very bitter in this post, and right now I do feel that way. That's my problem and I'm working on it.

If you are a single male reading this, and especially if you've been considering getting into the lifestyle, my honest advice is: probably don't. But if you do, you don't just need thick skin. You need to be ironclad in your mind and in your heart. Some people will be incredibly kind and make you feel wonderful, but others will be very cruel. I would also encourage you not to get into the lifestyle unless/until you have a good therapist and have your mental health in check. Otherwise it could be devastating and ruin your perception of yourself.

If you are a couple reading this, I'll say; I get it. Single men are the worst. I've been on your end of things a few times and they can be disgusting and dehumanizing to deal with. It makes sense to keep them at arms length and you should always trust your gut. I would only ask that you please remember that there are human beings on the other end of these discussions, with hopes and fears and emotions that can be impacted by how you treat them.

Please be safe everyone. Protect your heart, communicate with the people in your life, and be kind as much as possible.