I [50F] have had this story I’ve told myself for the past few years that my anxiety at LS events is because I’m just shy and social awkward. But I’ve come to realize that this isn’t really true — I can be outgoing and talk to people with no problem almost anywhere. Anywhere EXCEPT when I’m at lifestyle events. I’m totally fine when we have one on one dates with another couple, but put me in a party or club setting and I freeze, get super anxious and in my head. It was so bad when we went to Secrets last year that the night of the first party I ended up internally freaking out so much I was in tears and had to go back to our room.

I think what it comes down to is that I’m only comfortable talking to people at events I have zero interest fucking. To compound that, I’m worried that when I do talk to someone, they (and my partner) assume I’m interested in them when I’m not. At all.

On the other hand, I rarely find people I’m into. If I do, I steer clear and deny to my partner I’m into anyone because I’m WAY too nervous to talk with them because I assume they will find me gross. Or, if i do happen to talk to someone I’m attracted to, I assume they are just being nice, like I do with people I’m not into. I never think someone is flirting with me, I always assume they are taking pity on me.

I know I’m giving off “don’t talk to me vibes” because of all of this. I end up feeling terrible about my lack of social skills and lack of attractiveness, then silently berate myself. I get so in my head I don’t have any fun and just want to leave. To make matters worse, my partner is the type of outgoing person who can make friends with anyone … which is great in theory, until I’m sitting there watching a conversation unfold silently freaking out in the inside.

I need some help navigating this. Any suggestions on how to help? Something I can say to myself before a party? An approach you use?

I should add I’m not much of a drinker (I get maudlin when I overdo it), and weed makes me paranoid so those options to take the edge of my nerves don’t really work.