Wife and I are new and had a great first time in a 4some hard swap with some friends of ours who happen to be veteran swingers. They were super patient and considerate and never pressured us.

On the bed we had a great time. But we kinda went from friends to "ok let's fuck" in 1 go and immediately had hot hard swap group sex with not even so much as a kiss or flirt leading up to that.

In the bedroom we were all comingled. I had instinctual jealous feelings pop up but I worked through them and was able to handle them thanks to his wife taking care of me but also the fact we swapped back and forth between eachothers wives several times so it wasn't just a swap, it was a shared group experience. There was also some bi play and that helped. There were moments where I felt pretty upset, but they quickly passed so I didn't verbalize it. After we got warmed up a bit things got better and by the end neither of us guys had finished (nerves) but both our wives had, multiple, caused by both of us.

It was pleasant overall even though half the time I felt like I was fighting back against my caveman brain that was telling me that I couldn't let another man be intimate with my wife.

The kissing bothered me more than the sex. Infact I was totally fine whatever she did with his dick. I even literally shoved his dick into her at one point and thought it was great. I was even encouraging her to make him finish.

It was the intimacy that got to me. I was expecting my wife to take other dick. I wasn't expecting the intimacy. Namely the kissing, post coitus affection like cuddling, and the flirting he did with her as we were getting dressed to leave. I didn't feel the same desire to flirt with his wife as we were getting ready to leave. I complimented her, but that was more a reaction to what I was seeing him and my wife do across the room. That, and after 3 hours of my first time having group sex, my emotional nerves were absolutely shot and I needed to just GTFO before having a breakdown, despite having an overall good time. My wife on the other hand had no issues and said she enjoyed watching me with the other woman.

His enthusiasm towards my wife was much higher than towards his, which I suppose is the norm when you are fucking a new person after swinging for 5 years. Meanwhile my enthusiasm was greater towards my own wife, not his, maybe because or nerves. Maybe because I am more attracted to my own wife, even though his looks great.. my wife is more my type, I mean I did marry her. This difference in enthusiasm has me worried a bit, and I did notice his wife seemed way more interested in fucking me than him. Maybe this is just an experience thing? For veteran swingers, are new people just that exciting? I think next time we are going to ask to watch them a bit more first before making the first swap.

2 weeks have gone by and had time to process. Zero regrets there with the 4some hard swap. It was great. I believe all of the issues were in my head, I think. My wife had no complaints. They were super courteous and great.

Only I feel like we may have skipped a step and now I am fumbling. We are planning to go out for a proper double date followed up by another 4some, and now we are "swinging" status. So instead of "nothing" like before, we expect there to be flirting and touching and whatnot, outside of the bedroom.

How do I say "I am not having a good time" in the moment if there's too much unequal play/intimacy/flirting outside of the bedroom, without ruining the date? And how do I avoid that becoming an issue?

I know not everyone is going to be perfectly equal and this isnt a fompetiton or tit for tat. But if it is overwhelmingly unequal I'm going to be too uncomfortable and just end up shutting it down. Which would be a shame because we had really really great sex with them.