We went on our first ever date this weekend and, while an unconventional setting, we had a great time chatting and hanging out but agreed that there wasn’t the four way chemistry we are looking for. They messaged us that they would love to see us again but we thought it best to just let them know we weren’t interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with them. Due to our ignorance of the swinging scene (we are also ignorant of how to navigate the dating scene in general as we’ve been together since we were teens), we thought the best response was to tell them we had a good time but we didn’t feel the connection and that we hope we run across them in the future socially. Here is the message we sent sans names.

“n all my research about how to navigate the lifestyle, one part has a paucity of clear direction but is absolutely necessary if we want to keep the ethical in ENM. The chickenshit in me would love to, well, chickenshit my way around it. But you two are a couple of the most friendly, generous and awesomely quirky people we have had the pleasure to meet and we very much enjoyed our time together yesterday. You deserve our honest and open communication.

After talking late into the evening and again this morning, we agreed that some of the components of what we are looking for eluded us. We didn’t find the elusive four way connection in our dynamic. J, you’re a good guy and a generous and thoughtful host and, T, I really enjoyed hearing about your life and adventures (and will also ride the high of your ass compliment to the grave). And spending a naked day with you both will be a highlight in our lives.

I’m sure there is a better way to demur from a future sexual relationship with people who are objectively worthy. Until we’ve been doing this for longer than a single date, we can only offer this fumbling attempt to politely decline that kind of future relationship.

We really hope we run into you again on our adventure. The world was small enough to put us together once, I’m sure it will conspire to do so again. Until then, take the best care of yourselves and each other”

The dude messaged us back saying they did all the right things in respecting our stated boundaries (the naked pool part was just run of the mill nudism which we thought would be a fun way to gauge compatibility) and he didn’t understand what they did wrong. There were little red flags that compounded over the course of the afternoon but we chocked it up to basic incompatibility rather than a personality flaw.

He also complained that we didn’t offer friendship in lieu of going our separate ways. I feel a little bad about that because we did enjoy hanging out. The lady and I had so much in common and had a really wonderful conversation. But our gut said to make a cleanish break.

I thought I was as sensitive to their feelings in our rejection but I know that it can burn no matter how gentle it is. But we are primarily doing this to make friends with benefits and don’t have the free time to develop vanilla friendships as a byproduct. At least not until we have more experience.

So my question is this. Is there a convention regarding telling people that you date and whose company you enjoyed that they aren’t what you’re looking for and will be moving on? Is there a way to do that while preserving the developing friendship so that we can remain in touch, albeit intermittently? Was our message ham handed or hurtful? Does clear and open communication extend to having a post mortem with the other couple?

Thanks in advance for any direction or insight.