So I asked her earlier today about how people handle a situation when it doesn’t work out in person, and now I figure I should just share what happened and ask whether this is something that’s unfortunate but a normal occurrence, or if it was actually beyond the pale.

I (M) started messaging with a guy here who seemed cool and I thought was in my area; turns out they were just visiting but we chatted and exchanged pictures of the four of us and agreed we should meet up. Because of the distance, it wasn’t possible for several months until their next visit (not ideal but there really was no other option). Note that we do use a paid app and connecting with this one couple here was an aberration.

Last night we met up at a club here (again, due to the context it wasn’t realistic to meet socially and then plan a playdate). Of course everyone understands that there’s no obligation and everyone has to feel it. They were even better looking in person than in their pictures. We were into it and thought we were getting a good vibe. On the dance floor after dinner he put his arms around my wife from behind and hiked up her dress, which she liked. My wife motioned to kiss her and they made out for a little while. I said to the guy, “things are going well!” and he just responded with a distant “yeah…” Then when I took her hand she soon pulled away, and didn’t reciprocate when I touched the small of her back while the ladies were making out. In the middle of all this, they introduced us to another couple they already knew and for a minute we thought things were headed towards a six way, but finally they and the other couple drifted away and by then it was obvious that was that she wasn’t into me. We later saw the four of them going at it in a playroom. The two of us had sex in front of a crowd and headed home. They were also finished and we saw them while heading out but we all just ignored each other.

Totally fine with her not being interested, but clearly she knew that before we hit the dance floor, where it was just weird and awkward. It seems cowardly of them not to tell us flat out and then go do their thing, not to mention that for them to do what they did with my wife feels like they figured “might as well have fun with her while we can!” (it was totally consensual at the time but wouldn’t have been if they’d said she wasn’t into me). Obviously there’s a reason they didn’t say something and then ask my wife, “but can we still feel you up and make out with you?” So it feels like a violation.

Is this within the boundaries of what’s normal? Or were these two really out of line? We’ve been swapping since the beginning of the year, had a decent number of experiences but nothing like this before.

Should probably add that after getting home I blocked him (given that there was nothing left to say to each other), so presumably he won’t see this.