When we started out swinging me (44f) and my hubby T (47m) both thought that the dynamic would be basically double dating where we matched with sexy couples and T would be romancing the lady while I would be flirting with the husband. We thought we'd be going out to dinners, shows, getting drinks, all while focusing on the other partner, in a respectful group date setting. And when we played with partners at the end of the night, I anticipated separate rooms where I got to explore and fully be explored in an intimate setting, and move towards group play when everyone was comfortable with the physical stuff with their new play partner. The dream had been to hopefully find a few couples to match with and maybe start doing a bigger group thing as we all got to know each other better. We always started with dating looking for ongoing connections not one night stands.
Before we started swinging T had only been with 3 women (2 of whom he was/is married to, and 1 he only hooked up with 2 times, and it was a pressure thing he didn't enjoy). One of T's biggest fantasies was always picking up on me at a bar, because he wanted to live the experience of dating, which he has completely missed for his entire life. I got around a bunch when I was 20-22 but then I had kids and got married, and really didn't explore my sexuality. Honestly, when I was 20, I didn't really like sex, I liked the men, and would just perform for them, it wasn't for me. So I never really learned to enjoy sex until I married T when I was 30.
The reality of swinging has been nothing like we expected. Every couple we have met on the apps has a bi or bi curious woman, and the focus has always been on me. I make it very clear from the beginning that I am a introvert, and completely straight. T has always carried the conversations throughout our entire marriage, and it's been rough for me to be the focus of attention. Especially when it is flirty attention I really am not digging. T will try to hop in the conversation and flirt with the lady, but usually gets a pretty cold response. When I try to talk with the husband it is really stilted and uncomfortable. I rarely get compliments from the married men, just their wives. And of course I compliment them back, I have always appreciated feminine beauty and intelligence, but if I am going to be hooking up with the man, I need some attention from him to want to get going, and I am getting minimal of that.
Looking at the 3 couples we have hooked up with, in retrospect I think what happened is the evening started with the women chatting with me to determine if I was straight (the first 2 were couples I met online, but I don't think they realized I meant straight when I said straight in my profile) realized I was straight, and then her partner kinda took over moving the steps along for all of us to hook up which is why I think the women have always left the room upset when I start screwing their husbands (It's always been in the same room, even though I hate that). I have just come to this realization this week after spending a lot of time thinking about what has been going wrong with these hook ups.
I really don't know how to navigate this. The most recent couple we have been with is amazing, and we are working on seeing if we can keep an ongoing thing with them, but the wife has made it clear she really isn't comfortable with me having sex with her husband, but is trying to adjust. We don't mind waiting, but I don't know if she's ever going to get there. Either way, we adore spending time with them, so it really isn't a loss.
But moving forward, I'm kinda thinking the vision we had has no actual place in reality. Neither of us has any interest in dating separately. We are best friends and do everything together, except go to work, even with that we thought of having me change careers so we could be together all day every day. But without dating separately, and having no couples that seem to be interested in the same sort of play as us, I don't know if there is any place for us in the swinger world.
Is there anyone else out there that has the same fantasy that we do? If you respond, please mention if you are a male or female, because I kinda think it is the female half of the couple that is not on board with what we are looking for. But maybe it sounds terrible to men as well. My feelings won't be hurt, I'm just genuinely trying to figure out if there is any place for straight females in the world of swinging. Negative feedback is just as welcome as positive.
Secondly, the wine/dine/dating. Most swingers in our experience have no problem with going out and doing things together like dinners movies etc, but its not a 1-1 1-1 but a 2 2. As a man I'm not dating you, you're not dating me, its a group dynamic.
Agree. Also (and I seem to see this a lot with new couples), I seem to find people posting here with very specific agendas. As in, "first we go for dinner and drinks, with some mutual flirting, then move to separate rooms, then wind up in a foursome." Sometimes they even will talk about specific sexual positions and whatnot. Our experience is that having a detailed agenda like that usually does not work. We tend to get together and just see where the night leads us. Maybe we full swap, mayve we do it in separate rooms, maybe it's group play, maybe not. We just go with whatever feels right at the time.
We are kind of similar and very different…. I am also straight, but we that hasn’t really caused us any issues. We enjoy full swap, separate rooms, it does allow us to be a little more free, however, we do flirty texting in a group chat, but when we’re in public, my partner is my partner and your partner is yours. Playtime is playtime, outside of that the primary partnerships are the primary focus. This is because we’ve had issues with the female on the other side catching feelings, we don’t even allow side chats anymore. I think of my play partners like I do any other of my sex toys . There to enhance my sex life with my husband. Yes, I want there to be some attraction and I sometimes enjoy myself (it’s hit and miss in the LS) 😂, and we are all friends, but I have no interest in flirting with and being playful outside of the bedroom.
He's fine either way, we really don't have any firm boundaries other than developing romantic feelings for other people. But thank you for the advice, I need all the input I can get!
My hubby prefers same room, so I just kinda quietly go along with it. He knows it's not my preference, but it is everyone elses and i figure my vote doesnt beat the other 3.
With the second couple, the guy asked me if I wanted to go to a separate room, and I said yes, then he asked his wife, and she got upset and stopped everything. I had assumed it was all right when he asked me.
I told the most recent couple I was shy and didn't want to be watched during sex (she's an exhibitionist, and I think she assumed I was too, so she kept saying that she couldn't wait to watch me fuck her husband, so I felt I had to explain that was really rough for me) but I never requested separate rooms.
I think the separate rooms would make me have a lot more fun, but other than the disaster of the second time, I've never suggested it.
Appreciate the advice and the statistics!!!
They haven't been pushy about it, I don't feel like I'm being bullied, more of an "Are you sure you haven't fantasized about doing ANYTHING with another woman" type of conversation. They've all been really pleasant and polite, but kinda checked out early, other than this most recent couple.
The first paragraph is basically how we swing. We pot a ton of time into double dating and getting to know people. Only difference is that we don’t do separate rooms.
It’s totally possible. Less so with full swap I’d think.
That's nice, and I agree, everyone has the power to stop anything at anytime. The separate room thing is definitely more of a preference than a boundary for me, so I just go with the flow. It hasn't been a lot of fun, but I still haven't really figured out what works well with married people. And I totally get why men don't want to leave their wives alone, I heard one horror story where the wife was bit and basically brutalized in the same room with the husband (it stopped quickly but damage was done by the time the hubby caught on, she was face down in pillows getting smothered), I'm sure it would have been way worse without him there.
2 of them online, and one at a meet up party. I think the second one had a spouse cross boundaries, the first one was complicated, and the most recent one is still working through her feelings. I really hope she does. I'm surprised most people are surprised about this, everyone has acted like it's normal to get upset when you're watching your spouse with someone new, but it's been a real bummer.
Subreddit
Post Details
- Posted
- 5 months ago
- Reddit URL
- View post on reddit.com
- External URL
- reddit.com/r/Swingers/co...
Agree. Also (and I seem to see this a lot with new couples), I seem to find people posting here with very specific agendas. As in, "first we go for dinner and drinks, with some mutual flirting, then move to separate rooms, then wind up in a foursome." Sometimes they even will talk about specific sexual positions and whatnot. Our experience is that having a detailed agenda like that usually does not work. We tend to get together and just see where the night leads us. Maybe we full swap, mayve we do it in separate rooms, maybe it's group play, maybe not. We just go with whatever feels right at the time.