So for context my wife had only been with black men before me. She was very much into the typical athletic black guy in college which is hilarious considering my attitude and build. We’ve been married 8 years now (dated for 4) and are starting our LS journey together. So that “phase” or whatever you wanna call it was ages ago and I’d consider her and I in a very happy, healthy marriage.
She put a boundary in place when we first started that she did not want to do anything with black men, single or not. I didn’t think anything of it because hey, you like what you like. I’m finding boundaries are sexy and I want to facilitate whatever she wants. But ironically we were just in the kitchen and I asked her if she wanted regular or chocolate milk and her response was “you know I want chocolate” and winked at me. We joke like this sometimes bc who doesn’t have a wild story from college? So I was like fuck it, why do you have this boundary? And it led to a really deep conversation I’m happy we had but also brought more questions and maybe some insecurities I wasn’t aware of.
She basically blamed me. She was under the impression that I didn’t like that she was only with black men in college. That I have some sort of embarrassment about it. I’ve never said that but she claims I look uncomfortable when she talks about her past. And that if she were to be with a black man now, it would lead to problems and she didn’t want to do that.
I kind of dug deep to see what would give her that impression. The reality is it’s not that she was with black men that bothers me. It’s that she was with men who just used her for clout and sex. We’re talking about the love of my life here and yes, it does bother me that men didn’t even take the opportunity to get to know the person who means the world to me before they got in her pants. She will be the first one to share that she had a lot of insecurities back then and used her vagina to feel better about herself. She’s done the work and we’re past that. But to her, it’s a racial thing. To me it’s the college athlete fuckboys she ran around with.
Part of it is her insecurities with that time in her life so I get it and I’m not going to push. But it felt important to know WHY that boundary was in place or it may cause more problems in the future. We still have work to do, but I’m happy we talked.
I realize it’s counterintuitive in a swingers sub to be insecure about men my wife had flings with. But even now in a swingers context I much prefer we get to know the couple before any sexual activities occur. Thankfully she feels the same way.
Ps: I’m not a cuck white boy looking for a big black dick for my wife. Just a swinger who’s open to all opportunities. I’m very good with what I got so please no dms please 😂
This is a great example of the communication that goes into swinging. The ability to have these conversations openly with your partner/spouse. It’s not about judgment, it’s to know what turns them on or off and how to better work with that. It’s great to read these things because it shows the benefits of how things open up when you have complete love and trust in someone.
My man, this gave me a chuckle. However I meant no disrespect to you or black men in general. I hope you don’t feel that way. I actually 100% agree with you that it isn’t proper to judge or stereotype you bc of the color of your skin. That’s why I wanted to know why she had this boundary. She clearly had an attraction to black men and so it was important to me to clarify where she was at.
I don’t typically respond to folks who use straw man fallacies but id like the chance to clarify, if I may?
Yes, I had not explored why she had a racial boundary, yet. As a husband in the lifestyle, sometimes we’re just grateful to be there. It is a very fun, exciting group to be a part of and getting wives on board can be challenging. In my case, I wasn’t concerned or suspicious my wife was some sort of bigoted racist, simply because she did not want to pursue black men. This is not some profound ideology, people have preferred certain races for years. Your comment implies that I should’ve nipped this in the butt immediately. Boundary conversations are not a single conversation. They grow, they expand, they change over time.
I did find it confusing though because she had been with black men before me. Hence, why I felt the need to clarify the boundary. This led to some excellent conversation. Let me tell you, talking about swinging and boundaries is one of the most intimate experiences I’ve ever felt.
Yes, this was brought up from a joke. Jokes, to me, are a healthy way of bringing up difficult or uncomfortable or interesting topics. I love that my wife is always finding an opportunity to joke with me. Looks fade, humor is forever.
You imply that our “attitudes” towards race are exclusive. That our community should be inclusive but we are excluding others because of their skin color. This is not how we live our lives outside the bedroom. We are good people, with good morals, and there is no judgement accepted in my home. But Respectfully, when you let someone have sex with your wife, THAT seems like the most crucial time to be exclusive. My job is to provide a safe environment where my wife can enjoy herself, and I don’t give a fuck if you’re black, white, have 3 nipples, whatever. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, you’re not coming near her. It’s not racism.
Ah my favorite type of commenter on this sub. The one who adds no value but judges loudly with no advice, criticism, or anything of substance.
That’s actually a very good point on HOW I respond. I could do a better job validating her as a sexual vixen. I definitely love that and I certainly benefit the most from it!
I know, that’s why I had to acknowledge it. You get it though…
This was discussed in our conversation actually. I reiterated that if I was with two women I’d feel like the king of the world. So I wouldn’t expect anything less from her with two men. To me though it makes no difference the color of skin though so I didn’t fully understand the boundary.
It’s hard to say. Certainly need to do a follow up conversation after she’s had some time to think about it.
Dude, EXACTLY. Thank you for validating that lol
Her exes aren’t all black people JFC
I can see why you’d implement that rule. We’ve experienced that a lot ourselves but it doesn’t seem to be one specific race.
That’s what it is for us too. Respect and personality go a long way.
Thank you! That’s very kind of you to say.
My bad about the misdirection. My writing is confusing sometimes. But I obviously agree. I respect my wife and her preferences still, it just felt important to know the why behind the boundary. I’m certainly not against it as long as all parties are respectful. And I think she knows that now.
He seems to be influencing this. Would love to hear from her.
I completely agree it’s her choice. It just felt important to know why.
I like men from all over the world. I have a thing for people that are different than me- exotic, if you will. Lately, I have been hesitant on black men because I haven't had one good sexual experience with a black man. So far, they've all been out for their own orgasm and didn't do anything for me sexually except fuck. No kissing, no oral, no fingers, (unless it was rough), and I didn't like it. I'm not ruling all black men out, but these experiences have made me leary. Hopefully, I will meet a really nice black man who will change my mind.
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Black people are not a monolith. Sure there are some things culturally that ties us all together, but outside of that we have regional differences just like anyone else.
We are not taught, as an entire group, that you need to be more aggressive when it comes to our women or you will be ostracized. That's crazy. It might hold true for some, but not all.
It may be shocking, but many of us are taught respect. I have never in my life approached a woman aggressively. And let word had gotten back to my black mother and grandmothers that I did, woe is to me.
A better rule of thumb is to not generalize entire groups of people. Especially when it's considering one group as being "aggressive".