I know I’m going to get roasted here, and probably for good reason. I met a guy on a sex-forward dating app (Feeld) back in January. He has previous lifestyle experience as a bull with couples and as part of a couple with his ex-girlfriend. I was curious about lifestyle clubs, expressed this to him, and we started going together.

At first it was just a casual sex thing, but we caught feelings and are now boyfriend/girlfriend. We go to swinger clubs almost every weekend but have only done parallel play in a private room or girl-girl action while the men watched and participated only with their own partner.

I’m a huge exhibitionist and have wanted to do a lot more in view of others but he gets uncomfortable performing, and is sensitive to who is around/watching (i.e. he says he can’t fuck me in front of a bunch of single men.) So we’re doing a lot less of that than I would prefer.

My issue is this: he’s obsessed with having a mff threesome. To the extent that a large part of our relationship feels dedicated to searching for unicorns on lifestyle sites and dating apps. I’ve been very honest with him about the way I struggle with jealousy and feel like I might get hurt watching him fuck another woman. He claims to be understanding but is still pushing this agenda.

The other part of this, which I know is a big red flag, is that he doesn’t want me to fuck another guy. He says he would be uncomfortable with it. This isn’t a huge deal to me because I’m very selective with men AND women and I’m satisfied with just fucking him, perhaps with the occasional woman. But I know it’s not really what swinging is about.

I feel like we’re putting the cart before the horse and I keep reminding him that without the primary relationship, there can be no threesome. One thing I really like about swingers versus ENM or other non-monogamous er…philosophies is that swinging is based on the solidarity of the couple. All roads lead back to that primary connection and trust between you. And that has to be the foundation of your swinging activities.

So we’re stuck in this weird place where we are participating in lifestyle stuff and it’s a community I’m curious about, yet we’re only open to this very specific and rare scenario that benefits him primarily. And it feels like I’m not getting enough attention to my reservations and issues surrounding a mff threesome.

I guess I’m just looking for advice and support from inside the lifestyle.