i will say she has pursued the couple we've played with several times. she will, on occassion, talk to the other female about play without me instigating it. but, even in those instances, i'm like why won't she tell me beforehand...hey i'm gonna talk to her about play.

really appreciate your responses. ive tried the partner in crime conversation and it didnt really change anything.

it looks like i need to do the obvious....step away.

my goodness - do y'all know each other?? tell me more.

you are right...i just need to be careful with my words

i agree about the direct conversation - but i don't want it to be like an ultimatum

this has been my conclusion as well. she's never been into the hunt so i know this will likely kill everything. but, i kinda feel like this is the only way to be sure. if she really wants it, she will make it happen, right?

yeah, i have certainly told her those things. i guess we need to walk away from the LS.

i have shut it down. we havent played in 6 months because i wont pursue anything she's not excited about.

thanks for your thoughtful response. i feel like what you described is very close to our situation. if you don't show enthusiasm, how does your SO know you aren't just appeasing them? is it just from knowing each other very well?

both you and u/Newbs2023 have done more than help, you've elightened me. i'm still learning and that'll never stop, but i have some good resources to look into and lots of food for thought. there are no magic bullets, but i'm certain the things you both have said will help us in our journey.

thank you. sincerely.

omg that's hilarious. one of the first parties we went to some couple stopped us going back to the bathroom. we talked for quite a while and eventually we were like...yeah we are new and just watch. they were like...verbatim..."we're looking to play, see you guys later". and lol they just left us in the hallway. we were just looking at each other like wtf...guess we should have lead with that.

very insightful distinctions between pro and reactive. it seems subtle, but it really isn't. good stuff. i can only try to be better. i'll get there.

this is 100% about the possibility of her having resentment. and i do like the way you framed it in terms of MY insecurities (or whatever they are). through all this i've thought at times about her insecurities...and (shame on me) my finger is always pointing at her. but holy f, this is just as much about my insecurities too, isn't it??

i do wish my SO would at least join in some texting from time to time. it gets kind of lopsided sometimes without that. like, i'm already building a rapport with some single guy, and she hasn't said a word to him. i'm vetting him, but in the process I'm starting to like the guy. she's then way behind. i'm kinda excited about the guy but i have to remember she hasn't even spoken to him. i think this could be contibuting to what i call her lack of excitement.

and i agree about actual playtime - I have no doubts she is enjoying herself as well. And reclaim sex IS THE BEST!!!!!...like my fav part about it honestly. i got really upset one time we didnt have reclaim sex. i read up a bunch and we had a long talk about "after-care" - a term i had never heard before researching.

thanks for your response.

oh no no no. understood. wouldn't think of it.

you two have no idea how much i appreciate you opening up on here. it helps me a lot to hear your stories.

yes, that line resonated with me too

no, it isnt at all what i wanted to hear. but i came here for honesty. much appreciated, i begrudgingly agree.

omg. first, let me say thanks for taking the time to respond. second, omg you are my wife. 100%. i'm like beside myself right now with the similarities. i'm not sure how to respond to you and feel i need to think about what to say.

sorry - your post hit me like a truck. sometimes i gotta regroup. i mean, i can't believe you said "but doesn’t like that she likes it and it turns her off". mind blown. so that's a real thing? i've felt that exact same thing about her. it's this weird paradox that explains so much. i felt guilt for even considering it...like i was rationalizing or justifying. but let me tell you it sucks. it sucks even worse than someone flat not liking it...because in this instance they'd like it if they could just get out of their own way.

for you, do you tend to enjoy things way more in the moment than you do reflecting on them? rather just not talk about it the next day?

for you, are there times when you'd almost rather be nudged (not pushed or forced) into doing something so you can remove some of that guilt of wanting it for yourself? a little easier when you can think you did it for him?

no hall pass desired. my kink is watching her.

thanks for your response. the "ashamed" part perked me up. i get that vibe sometimes.

its just a different mindset is all. i know her very well and the things you described sound like her. i'm just trying to understand it.

y'all are rough. lots of downvotes and i'm just trying to understand and do the right thing.

isnt that a movie?

spot on. she is very in the moment kind of person. i'm a planner. we are certainly at odds with each other on that subject.

but, if she won't talk about it and express desires even hypothetically - i still have that unsure feeling about what she really wants.

interestingly..we just got all that fixed (hormones). she was def having a problem there.

because i know (at least i feel in my heart of hearts) that she has had some really good times...i do wonder about her being afraid she's gonna hurt me by telling me she desires someone else.

fair warning...there are some people who will latch onto that "new" thing. after above mentioned story, we started leading with the new thing and man some people's eyes just light up. like they've found fresh meat. or a new hill to conquer.

all good things to think about.

this part is really confusing to me. "If I were at a lifestyle party and my husband told me to join in with this guy cause it would be "sexy as fuck" I would most likely do it only to please him. Thus, it's pushy."

the reason that is confusing to me is because i thought i'm supposed to reassure her (that's my intent) that i'm ok with this stuff. it's a fine line i suppose - but in this context it would be hard for me to know the difference between reassurance and pushiness. maybe its just one of those things....its reassurance until it isn't...and then it is pushiness. i mean i usually even follow it up with things like "i'm 100% fine going home because when we get there I'm gonna [insert sexually descriptive things] you". my intent is to let her know her choice is fine with me...be it yes or no. its usually no (we've only played a dozen or so times) and i'm fine with that. i go home and do those things i described to her.

the dishes analogy needs a little work to me. as a guy, yeah. i mean its like watching a movie i wouldn't have picked. if the movie sucks oh well...if its good, awesome. but for her, it is far more complex and i get that.

your post did make sense and I appreciate it very much. i do want to be clear that my enjoyment comes from watching her. we've swapped around 12-15 times and I personally only swapped maybe half those...like 6 or 7 maybe. no other woman has even so much as touched me outside of those 6-7 times. my fav is mfm and is what i advocate the most for. so while it is self-serving because i get to watch - i'm not doing this to seek sex for myself.

thanks, your response echo's u/Newbs2023. thanks for your input and thoughtful response. i find many of the things you said to be very familiar to our situation.

i'd say do these 3 things....

1. communicate
2. communicate
3. communicate

thanks for the resources!

yes, others have suggested similar and i have already told my SO that i don't plan to arrange anything else or show her any more pics. we shall see!

yeah, i knew the nudge thing might set wrong. the way you guys describe it is what i call pushy. i'm talking like she's looking to me for reassurance that these things are ok to proceed with. she's doing everything except saying yes. i know her, i know her body language, and can tell she wants to but is nervous about saying yes. its a playful flirty kind of nudge...not like a "c'mon", more like a "i think it'd be sexy as fuck baby"

interesting. no, but thanks i will look into it. i can infer what it means from the name and you could be on to something.

showing someone a picture, in our world, is a long way away from play. and in the last 6 months i've maybe shown her 4-5 guys. the example questions i gave i'm not specifically trying to figure out those questions - those were just random examples of how my attempt at communication has gone. it wasn't meant to be the burning questions i have that she isn't answering.

you know, you think incessantly want sex..but let me explain we played with one couple 8-10 times. i could not perform the first 3. the second couple we had an arrangement because the female was fine with not swapping while we watch our SOs. we played with them twice and i only swapped with her once for 5-10 minutes. the other two times were single guys (and i didn't do any bi stuff).

i'm sorry i asked you to help me understand a point of view that i do not possess on my own. i'm trying to learn. this is my life partner, my best friend, my high school sweetheart - we do everything together and spend as much time together as we can. we are completely in love and don't need this lifestyle. it is just for fun. i'm just trying to understand.

'cause, yeah, i can be dense.

interesting distinction. i appreciate you pointing that out

its gonna take me some research to understand what you are saying

^^ this. keep talking please.

maybe i oversold her not being into it. it feels more like she is guarding her talk. she has hard "no's" all the time. its almost like a "meh" is actually not that bad. don't get me wrong - i don't pursue it because it's just a "meh"...i want her to be enthusiastic. do you guard your talk with your SO? do you expect them to be enthusiastic?

a lot to unravel here and i will. my knee jerk reaction is - yes i've heard of this after hearing your explanation - but admittingly, i don't know enough about it.

i remember this coming up when we first had kids. interestingly - and i dont know why, perhaps different mechanisms - but it was described as the opposite to me for child birth. It was described to me that women feel like mothers when they get pregnant (spontaneous), whereas, men feel like fathers when the child is born (responsive).

thanks for your reply.

gees, if you are here who is running hell?

you sure are taking a lot of liberties with what you think has gone on between us. i haven't suggested play in more than 6 months. ive shown her pictures of guys on SLS...never suggested we do anything with any of them. and i wont unless she is excited. my question was is the lack of enthusiasm normal or is she guarding herself....not "why doesn't she love all this sex i make her have".

stop asking why? are you angry with me? you give a great response and then shit on me for wanting to understand it more thoroughly. i mean i truly want to understand my SOs standpoint - and your response is quit trying to understand and just give them what they want. that's the exact opposite of us being in this together.

you are the reason it took me so long to come to reddit in the first place.