Hi everyone. It's been a little over half a year since this post. Not making a TLDR for this one.

I really was hoping I could salvage it.

I've been doing what I can to move on but I haven't been able to. I don't think she has been putting in the necessary effort on her end either. Between her depression and what she did, I feel like I've been carrying this relationship for the two of us. I don't think she is capable of being in a relationship let alone putting in the work that needs to be done to repair this one.

At least I can tell myself I tried.. as hard as anyone could ask really.

Our six year anniversary was this past summer. I can't even remember what we did.

I'm currently on a business trip and have not gotten an ounce of sleep tonight. It's 6:15 AM at the moment and all I've been thinking about is how this isn't working.

I guess it gave me the physical distance I needed to come to this conclusion.

I've thought about ending things now and then, but wasn't ready or didn't believe it. I thought there was still something I could do. But I've been trying to swim upstream for too long now without any help. I can't keep carrying all this weight.

I do want to make note of something though. I think this relationship was already on its way out. This event just brought about its downfall sooner, which in a way... I'm thankful for.

It wasn't the lifestyle that caused this to happen. Her and I started dating in our young 20s and have been growing a lot together over time. For a while, I thought we were incredibly compatible, but honestly it was in all the wrong ways. We make good roommates, not partners. She isn't the person I met back when I was still in college, and neither am I. With that said, I think we've grown apart and it brought out a lot of ugliness along the way.

A thought I struggled with for a long time is thinking this other guy completely flipped my world upside down. As if he somehow caused this to happen. In reality, I should thank him. He helped me realize that this relationship was not meant to last a lot sooner than I would have on my own. I was blind to the signs and needed a wake up call.

Another thought I struggled with is how much love, time, and attention I've invested in this relationship. It was my first true relationship I've ever had. I always wanted it to be the one. Someone called me out in the last post on sunk cost fallacy... damn were you right.

With all that being said, I'm worried of what she'll do when I break things off. I don't hate her. I still care for her. With her depression and self harm tendencies, I think this could push her over the edge. We live together in my house, her whole world will be tossed upside down. She is still in school, no job, I'm not sure what she'll do or where she'll go... Maybe to her parents? Although they haven't always been the most supportive...

I've felt like the bad guy for so long these past few months. As if everything wrong with this relationship was somehow the result of me as a person. If she goes as far to.... I don't know what I'd do with myself.

I really appreciate the support you all gave in my last post.

Although I didn't want to believe what most of you said, I really do believe you were right in the end.

I hope I'm strong enough to go through with this.

I hope she finds happiness someday.

I hope I'm okay with it if she finds it sooner than I do.