After reading all the FAQs, I thought I would share our first-hand experience and lessons learned in the hope that it's helpful to some new visitors here. We're relatively new to things (a year and change) and given how frequently the "how do I get into swinging?" questions come up, maybe a real-life walkthrough of our last year will help someone!

So you've broached the subject together... now what?

Step 1. Understand how secure your relationship is

Only you know whether your connection and trust is strong enough to avoid feelings of jealousy or resentment, and most discouraging comments here will come from people that have had bad experiences with this. Do you and your partner trust that you always put each other first in normal life? Or do you regularly experience conflict or jealousy related to interactions with other people? Do you have (and practice) the ability the communicate concerns and discomfort with each other, or do you avoid hard conversations and hope they go away? If you don't pass the security test, you'll want to just stop here.

There's a lot of levels here - if you're in a casual relationship and you're both looking to have fun and don't have a lot invested in long term stability with each other, the bar is lower here. The level of trust at minimum has to match the level of commitment to being with each other.

Step 2. Know your motivation

It's a fantasy and those are exciting to think about, but what makes it exciting to you? Is it a selfish desire for personal satisfaction, or is it something you're truly excited about experiencing WITH your partner? Are you trying to fill a gap in your relationship, or trying to create new relationship experiences together? Does the thought of seeing your partner enjoy themselves with other people turn you on, or is it all about what you'll be able to do?

Everybody should enjoy themselves and feel included in group sex, which means your partner is going to get off too and probably look reaaaaallly happy doing that with someone else. If you have any insecurity or feelings of inadequacy going into it, that's not going to land well for you. So if you're ignoring the emotional response to seeing your partner do the same things you want to do, figure that out first.

Step 3. Communicate about everything ahead of time

People want sex to be easy, natural and fun. Ugh all that talking and planning kills the vibe, right?

Lack of planning is the number one cause of poor experiences. Don't plan on a perfect fantasy, plan on unexpected feelings to show up (and unexpected behavior from the other people). Talk through every scenario that you'd be open to, what would make you uncomfortable, how you plan to deal with things not feeling like you thought. Commit completely to making each other the priority, and that as soon as one of you signals discomfort, you change course.

We have a list of like 20 questions that we talked through in advance. Talking through the potential good and bad removes most of the anxiety from a first experience and reassures each other that no matter what happens, you're in it with each other and will make sure that the experience is good (or at an absolute minimum if things go sideways, not harmful) for them and your relationship.

Step 4. Agree on a scenario that you're both excited about

Obviously the ideal scenario is being equally excited about the same thing. Maybe you're both excited about having another woman involved and a threesome is the sweet spot for you (but please, make sure they feel like an equal partner in the experience). Maybe it's the excitement of you each having a new partner to yourselves, and you want to find a couple to swap with. Maybe one of you is really turned on by watching the other have sex and mainly want to enjoy the show.

In a lot of cases, one of you will be way more excited about a scenario than the other. And that's ok! There have been several times where I suggested something to my partner and she wasn't excited about it. Sometimes we took it off the table, but sometimes her response was "you know, I don't think it will do much for me, but I love seeing you turned on so let's do it." There's nothing wrong with doing something because your partner is excited about it. But it should NEVER cause hurt or feelings of insecurity for either one of you. There's a big difference between not being super excited, and actively fearing it. Know that difference.

Step 5. Making it happen

So your relationship is secure and you've talked through everything, now what? This is arguably the hardest part. When you're new to this, you probably don't know a lot of people that are into it. Or maybe you do, but you have no idea because it's a cultural taboo and people don't talk about it.

How important is personal chemistry to both of you when it comes to sex? Do you want it to be a physical experience with someone(s) you never see again, or do you need a more personal connection to enjoy sex? The former is easier to find partners (on apps, forums, etc), but also comes with a greater chance of finding people that are total dicks. For us, we wanted to engage with people we like hanging out with while dressed too, so it was a longer process of trying to meet new friends in the community. It meant that it took a lot longer to have our first experience together, but wow was it worth it.

Some places to start looking that we've had pretty good success with: local swinger/ENM groups (just search reddit), Kasidie.com, Feeld (for bigger cities)

When you do find someone, guess what's next - oh god, more talking. Make sure you understand their boundaries and expectations. And for the love of god, be committed to making sure they enjoy themselves too and don't just feel like a sex toy. Don't be a selfish twat. Your partner comes first, followed closely by your new playmates.

Step 6. Avoiding resentment in the moment

So many first time stories are some variation of "it didn't go as I expected, I felt sidelined, but didn't say anything and now I'm feeling resentful."

Assuming you've picked your partner and new partners well and communicated expectations, you shouldn't need to spend much time focusing on your own experience because others will be doing that for you. But if you ever feel like that's not the case, DON'T BE SILENT. These things need to be corrected in real time. Likely they're just caught up in the moment and don't realize you're feeling neglected. Whatever the reason, if you don't speak up (or take action to correct it), you will feel resentful and come away with a bad experience. This is the number one reason for the "prevailing Reddit wisdom" that adding people in is a relationship destroyer. You need to maintain awareness of the emotions of everyone involved, including your own, and everyone should be willing to sacrifice some personal satisfaction to ensure a good experience for all.

So basically, ya know, keep talking. Even while fucking.

Step 7. Talk about the experience

So you've hopefully had a good (or at least not bad) experience, and you're in that post-coital glow. Enjoy snuggling up with your partner and getting some rest. Your real feelings on what just happened aren't going to fully develop for the next day or so, so unless there's something urgent to discuss, put it off until tomorrow.

At some point over the next day or two, make it a point to have a vulnerable conversation about it. What you liked, what you didn't, what you felt in the moment, what feelings have changed or strengthened in your mind after a little time to process it. Decide what changes to make next time (if any). Decide how often you want to do this, and what priority it has in your relationship. Reaffirm that you loved having the experience WITH THEM, and that was the priority.

You did it! You beat the Reddit odds and had group sex, and you didn't hate each other afterwards!

In a nutshell

Communicate, communicate, communicate! There is no shortcut to talking through these things. If you want to just wing it, go ahead - but you'll likely turn into another cautionary tale and propagate the social misconception that swinging is just for selfish trainwrecks.

Enjoy the sex!