Last night, my girlfriend and I played with a couple we've been with once before. During the encounter, the husband of the other couple finished after only about 5 minutes of being with my girlfriend. He claimed he had "broken" the condom and proceeded to do only half-hearted play with my girlfriend. While my focus was on his wife, I didn't immediately notice the dynamics of their situation.
After we finished, both my girlfriend and I were plagued with anxiety over the alleged condom breakage. We're responsible about our sexual health and it brought up unwelcome stress. To add to this, my girlfriend went into a negative headspace about her attractiveness due to his lack of continued engagement after the "incident".
This morning, we discovered two intact condoms in the previously emptied trash can next to the bed - mine, and his wrapped in toilet paper. On inspection, his condom, unbroken with evidence of ejaculation. It was quite upsetting to realize that he'd lied.
This lie has led to a few questions and I'd appreciate your perspective:
1) I don't want to play with them again because of the lie. Is this an overreaction?
2) Should we kindly address this issue with them? His wife seemed as clueless about the situation as we were and I don't like ghosting people or leaving them in the dark about why we're disinterested in future encounters.
Thanks for reading, and any advice is appreciated.
- He was dishonest. The reason may be that he was embarrassed about the quick shot? If he finished he clearly was excited. Maybe he was having post nut clarity, had a realization of some sort, and had a hard time engaging. Neither of which reflects on your girlfriend.
To answer your question: full honesty in the lifestyle is hard to come by especially if it involves someone being vulnerable on the first meet up. How honest and forthcoming were you at the start of any relationship? Trust does have to build after all before revealing embarrassing or vulnerable issues.
However, the distinction here is that it involves sexual health. Some people opt out of condoms, but this is important for you and should be respected - you went searching for a used condom in the trash afterall. As such, only you can answer that question- are you over reacting or is this a violation of your philosophical hierarchy. Answer this for now as you may change later. It is all about how both of you will feel safe and comfortable. This isn’t an area for compromise right now.
- You should address the issue if after a period of introspection it is bothering you AND you are looking to forge a continued trusting and safe relationship with them. If you do - yes, be kind and approach with an open mind and offer a space of safety for them. Otherwise, you may want to spare everyone any uncomfortable conversations and move on.
Wishing you all the best!
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Agree ghosting is immature behavior