Posting this here in the hopes for a community that better fits

My husband and I had a break through last night:)

If you read my post in the sex addiction sub, you'll get a backstory on our situation. We had dinner together and at first it started off really sad and heavy. I've been trying to find the line of what is my lust addiction, and what is him genuinely not being able to give me the feelings of attention and priority that I need. I was starting to think that maybe my cheating really does reflect on me not getting what I need out of our relationship. It was really hard to tell him that.

I've always told him I only want marraige with him, kids with him, a future with him. I've never loved anyone, or been loved by anyone the way I am with him. And I don't want to ever love anyone else. I'm scared of losing him and I don't want to say goodbye, and neither does he. So we ended up digging more into it, and he eventually shared with me that he's considered open marraige and has been curious about it. He told me that my cheating/lying aside, the idea of me having sex with someone else actually does give him a playful jealous feeling that he wants to explore.

This was a gateway, we started opening up to each other more and more, deeper and deeper. He was able to understand a lot more about how my brain works. It put him more at peace recognizing how I can compartmentalize love vs lust. He said a lot of trust was built back for him last night since he was able to explore the forces behind my behaviors. And we ended the conversation totally taking divorce off the table!! Of course I still have deeply rooted issues of impulsivity, dishonesty, and lust addiction that I need to work on. And I'm continuing to take steps to fix those problems. The surprising thing was that he said he wants to explore the swinger lifestyle.

All he's ever asked of me these past 9 years is to be open and honest with my wants and needs. He's continuously expressed that he's here for me, but I always had that fear that he would reject me or judge me for my desires. But last night we actually broke down a big communication wall we didn't know we had, and just laid everything out. We were genuinely vulnerable with each other, and I was so shocked that he had those thoughts too. It made me realize that I CAN be honest with him about my needs, and that because he loves me he's willing to help find a solution that works for us. It was mind-blowing. If only we had this conversation years ago. It would have saved us from so much pain and hurt over the years on my part. I'm so grateful he's stayed by my side.

It made me think back to the Piña Colada song by Rupert Holmes. The husband and wife are in the roommate phase, in the rut of a dull routine. The wife posts an ad looking for a man who shares all of her desires. The husband, not knowing his wife was the OP, reaches out to meet her. They meet at a bar and are shocked to find out who each other are. Pleasantly surprised that the people who shared those wants and needs they felt they had to keep secret, were each other all along.

To wrap up this post, YOU CAN be open and honest with your spouse without fear of judgment. If your partner truly loves you, when they say they're there for you, they mean it. I've always gone through life not believing people when they tell me I can open up to them. Too ashamed of my internal desires. But it's ok to take that leap and trust that the person you chose to share your life with, will be receptive and be willing to find a solution that works for both of you without compromising morals, or sacrificing happiness. My husband and I are both on cloud 9. We're finally showing each other our true selves, and it's beautiful. For the first time in a long time, I'm confident and excited for our future together ❤️