I recently posted in this sub that my boyfriend and I were new to the swinger community. We’re in a dom/sub relationship and have years of experience in nonmonogamy in the bdsm community.

We went to NiN and had an absolute blast and were considering checking out the swinger scene but wanted feedback on how well accepted our boundaries are. He and I aren’t interested in men touching me but we loved parallel play, voyeurism, exhibitionism, playing with women and trans women, cucking (for me or men), or group play where my boyfriend and I play supporting roles while husbands fuck their wives.

I shared how we had good experience at the NiN orgies and even played with other couples after extensive conversations. That we’d never miss lead anyone about our intentions and that we’re intentionally stand offish as to not give the wrong impression until clear communication is had. We would never engage in insincere interactions where we tricked couples into thinking a swap would take place just so we could poach their wives. We wouldn’t ever want to waste anyone’s time, and most importantly we’d never want to make the husbands or boyfriends ever feel mistreated.

I genuinely wanted input regarding our boundaries and if they’d be a fast no for most in the community. It was pretty much a resounding “yes” and I genuinely appreciate y’all’s feed back that gave it. What I wasn’t expecting was a fruitful debate about how our boundaries are just my boyfriend’s insecurities and jabs at our dom/sub identities.

It’s hard enough fitting into society for all of us in nonmonogamous relationships. It’s hard for those of us who are pansexual or bisexual who want new experiences with same sex or trans individuals. It’s an inherent brave thing for any of us to move openly into public spaces and say what we want isn’t what polite society deems as acceptable. I expect ridicule and judgement from the rest of society, but not from other nonmonogamous communities where people are being inherently vulnerable.

Telling people their boundaries are just insecurities while simultaneously stating your own boundaries about hard swapping, playing separately, or having week long swaps is head spinning. If we’d been new to nonmonogamy or were only beginning to explore our sexuality that experience would have been devastating.

I initially felt stupid for thinking I could post openly looking for advice and that the community would give nonjudgmental feedback. I deleted the post and every comment I’d ever made in the sub. But the longer I sat with it the more I realized how damaging this type of rhetoric is. We’re all exploring our sexuality and when we come into these communities asking for advice or clarification ridiculing one another and tearing each other down because we don’t understand or identify with something is no less harmful than society tearing us all down because we challenge their views on sexuality.

I accept that what we’re interested in does not line up with the swinger community. For those of you who told us what we want likely will not be received well or not what most are interested in I sincerely thank you for your help in understanding this community. For those of y’all who ridiculed our boundaries as insecurities and tore down our identities as a dom and sub, do better next time.