I'm sure there are many similar posts to this so I apologize if maybe this is exhausting to read again.

Long term partner and I (we're 40s M and late 20s F who live together) have an active and kinky sex life but from the start he has been pushing to go to clubs, websites (SLS and our local alternative) - I'm fine posting pictures and dirty chatting, but I've made it abundantly clear I am not comfortable searching for individuals or couples locally if at all. I'm normally a confident and adventurous girl but doing these things isn't for me. Have been working on the jealousy part because I am aware that it is a dead end feeling. I really do want to be accepting and game because for years I have tried to redefine monogamy within long term relationships. My heart is set keeping my partner fulfilled. He says this is not a 'must have' for him but he is always scrolling through swingers websites and looking at profiles.

Every time I'm open to going to a swingers event, despite us having an understanding that we're there as a couple who likes to watch and be watched but not much more, I end up leaving with hurt feelings. I don't really like being touched by strangers and I don't really want to hear him telling me how hot I would be if I dressed like the girl over there. This is not meant in any way to offend those who are happily swinging (just a matter of my own boundaries!).

I think I am posting here to vent and find perspective mostly: how do you grow comfortable within the LS? How to not take gawking at 1 or 2 particular women in a party of over 200 people to heart? Last night he had his attention focused completely on one girl across the room for nearly an hour. She contacted us online promoting her stripper club and sending us "wanting to meet" messages despite our profile explicitly reading we are not really all-in. I was uncomfortable with her already before the party and then watching him unable to divert his attention from her was the final straw.

I leave for a several month long international job opportunity next week and after last night's party I am just seriously doubting that my partner and I are really aligned on these things. We communicate our needs, interests, fantasies pretty frequently but his use of sex-seeking websites when we already have so much sex at home that I am constantly sore contradicts his saying he doesn't "need" extracurricular sex.

We've gone to Oasis in Toronto, numerous parties and clubs where we live in the US, and ultimately I am just not really interested in being a part of this. I don't feel coerced into these things - I really do try to keep as open of a mind as possible and inside of our relationship, we have plenty of dirty sex that he says he's more than happy with, but then I find him back on the swingers websites browsing. He says he just likes to look. Kudos to the people who can happily pull off swinging - I really hope this doesn't read like I am bashing the LS because I do see how fulfilling and wonderful it is to many of the readers here.